No Place Like London

I have sailed the world

Beheld its wonders

From the Dardanelles

To the mountains of Peru

But there's no place like London

I feel home again

I could hear the city bells ring

Whatever I would do

No, there's no place like London

Mr. Todd, sir?

You are young

Life has been kind to you

You will learn

So, Anthony

It's here we go our separate ways

Farewell, I shall not soon forget the good Ship Bountiful

Or the young man who saved my life

Alms, alms!

For a miserable woman

On a miserable, chilly morning

Thank you, sir, thank you!

'ow would you like a little muff, dear?

A little ji g ji g

A little bounce-around-the-bush

Wouldn't ya like to push me parsley?

Ya looks to me, dear, like you got plenty there to push!

Alms, alms!

For a pitiful woman

What's got wondering wits—hey

Don't I know you, mister?

Off with you, woman!

Off, I said!

Leave!

Then 'ow would you like to split me muff, mister?

We'll go j i g - ji g, we'll go—

Off, I said! Away with you!

Alms, alms!

For a pitiful woman

Pardon me, sir

There's no need to fear the likes of her

She's only a half-crazed beggar woman

London's full of them

Mr. Todd, sir?

What is it?

If you need any help, or money, or any—

No!

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And the vermin of the world inhabit it

And its morals aren't worth

What a pig

Could spit

And it goes by the name of London

At the top of the hole sit a privileged few

Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo

Turning beauty to filth and greed

I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders

For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru

But there's no place like London

There was a barber and his wife

And she was beautiful

A foolish barber and his wife

She was his reason and his life

And she was beautiful

And she was virtuous

And he was naive

There was another man who saw

That she was beautiful

A pious vulture of the law

Who, with a gesture of his claw

Removed the barber from his plate

Then there was nothing but to wait

And she would fall

So soft

So young

So lost

And oh, so beautiful!

And the lady, sir, did she succumb?

Oh, that was many years ago

I doubt if anyone would know

Now, Anthony, leave me, I beg of you

There's somewhere I must go, something I must find out

Now, and alone

But surely we will meet again, before I'm off to Plymouth?

You'll find me, if you want to

Down around Fleet Street, I wouldn't wonder

Until then, Mr. Todd

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And it's filled with people who are filled with shit

And the vermin of the world inhabit it