Battle of the Bards (From "1 For All")

Oh what's that sound? It's a dying cat!

No wait it's a talentless Bardic twat

Just a has-been hack who sings from his ass

He's a total embarrassment to the Bardic class

Antrius will never be any itty-bitty bit as good as me

You think you're a god, please!

You're a codpiece

Now suck this D--

Natural

My licks are sick, my wit is quick, my fingering is tight

You're barely our of preschool you hairless little sprite

I'm not the Bard you think you know

I'm awesome and you stink you know

The world can hear my song reverberating!

We better wrap this up

Your mum and dad are waiting

At my house!

As if you weren't a loser to begin with

Look at the flumph-huggers you walked in with

Oh-oh my word!

It's a half-elf, half-turd

And a hinky, stinky, pinky, scroat

Like a pig polymorphed into a goat

Friends like those are last resorts

They're a drain, they're a pain, they're a stain on your shorts

They're the awful smell that you can't quite place

They're a big loud wet hot fart in your face

Cheat all you want but this is how art sounds

While you were boning up on your magic fart sounds

I was getting practical, practicing tactical timing

With every single syntax I maximize actual rhyming!

I'm a card, I go hard on lute, flutes, and guitars

I'm the star they regard as the Bard spittin' bars

Antrius will never be any itty-bitty bit as good as he

He thinks he's a god, please!

He is a codpiece

He cannot compete with this G--

Flat

You've not won, son

I'm not done, son

I've got friends and you've got none, son!

Time to sack up

I've got back-up!

With friendship you get your wish

With friendship I'll gut you like a fish!

Friendship means you get your turn

Friendship helps your enemies burn

Friendship is the food on your plate

It's the knife in the throat of the people that you hate

It's the white hot rage that helps you win the war

It's the brains on the walls and the blood on the floor

We'll destroy you!

And that's what friends are for!

I stole this flute from someone else

I don't know how to dance

Life's not what I wanted

There's a sock inside my pants

I got kicked out of college and my folks think I'm a creep

I wear a wig. I porked a pig

I cry myself to sleep

Friendship's a vessel that grows ever grander

But then again every ship needs a commander

Friendship is found in my smoldering stare

And the pick of my lute, and the flick of my hair

Friendship is the take you do for kicks

It's the back-up singers that are lower in the mix

It's the post-credits scene. It's the afterword

It's the two in the back that are ever-slightly blurred

It's the subtle underscore

But I'm who they adore!