Hot Dog Whisperer

But my whole family is big, we can't help my sister

I love my sister, but good Lord, she needs to do something

When she dies, the death angel is going to need a spotter

To drag her ass to the pearly gates

I'll tell you that, buddy

But it's not her fault she's big, though, it's her job, she needs to quit her job

Ah, she's a hot dog whisperer, ha-ha-ha

"You know, I don't know what the hell it is either"

I asked her, too, I said, "Just what is it that you do?"

She goes, "Give me a hot dog, I'll show you

Boy, that's a good hot dog"

We like to go out, dude, I went up to Olive Garden

And I went up there because I like the commercial

They like, "Come to Olive Garden, we treat you like family down here"

And that's true, you ought to go

They told my cousin he was a lazy piece of crap, made him cut the grass out there

"What do you got down there?"

Go up to the McDonald's, I enjoy the McDonald's up there

And I'm going to tell you

I like how McDonald's hires the handicapped people in there to work

People go, "Are we going to make fun of the handicapped?"

"No, I'm not, I've got a buddy, couple of buddies of mine handicapped

I'm glad to hire them, I really am glad"

"But I can request something, can't I?

Can we keep them out of the drive-through when it's busy?"

"Is that too much to ask right there?"

It's ridiculous

Went up there the other day, it was busy

I ordered a Big Mac and fries, pulled away from the drive-through, looked in the bag

There was a sponge and a screwdriver in there

"All right? You're a titan"

You ever notice a lot of restaurants are starting to put little symbols

On the menu to show how healthy the food is

Enough of that, enough of that PC stuff

"Let us eat what we're going to eat"

You know, and that's why I eat at Waffle House

They've got one symbol to show how healthy the food is

"It's a fist punching a heart, ha-ha-ha"

That's good food right there

"Everything comes with a side of grits and a defibrillator"

That's good stuff, right there

Danny's has the greasy food

"You ever eat at Danny's late at night?"

Then, then you wake up the next morning going

"Oh, I should have went to bed hungry, this ain't going to be good right there," ha-ha-ha

"I ate at Danny's one night, my Glade plug-in started a carpet fire"

It was bad, we had a waitress in there so ugly

I give her a dollar bill, and George Washington shut his eyeballs on that dollar bill in there

He was mad, her name was Gertrude

Now, let me tell you, Gertrude is a fat name

Let's face facts, I ain't never seen a lot of skinny Gertrudes, ha-ha-ha

Gertrude, fat

You ask any fella in here going on a blind date, "What's her name?"

"Gertrude"

"Damn"

Gertrude, fat, Agnes, fatter, Bertha, big time, baby

I got a theory, I got a theory that good-looking women got sexy-sounding names

And I'll tell you where I get that theory, watching the Country Music Awards

'Cause every female country singer is gorgeous and has a sexy name

People go, "Oh, that's not true, it ain't"

Tell me if you ever hear this on the Country Music Awards

Now, the nominees for the top female country entertainer of the year

Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, LeAnn Rimes, Faith Hill, Myrtle Fields

I got to tell you, I think Myrtle's a big one

I got to be honest with you, I'd like to see her win, though

I can't believe I won, whoo!

Look out, look out, she's eating the Oak Ridge Boys!

Good Lord, Myrtle Fields just gobbled up old

Giddy-up-boom-pop-a-mow-mow like a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie out there

And she's flossing with the Statler Brothers

I was on an airplane one time next to a big old Myrtle Fields

Took up two seats, what the hell?

We was on our way to the Rodeo in Las Vegas

I was working the Rodeo

I loved the rodeo, that's one of my favorite

I actually lost my virginity on a stick horse many years ago