Lyrics
Now I got kids. I'm dealing with the same stuff. I got four kids
Uh, fertility, not a problem. That's right. Some of us didn't have
Time for football practice. "Sorry I can't make practice, coach
I'm busy." Four kids. I'm an Irish Catholic. We're very fertile
People. Irish Catholic, we make 'em clear, but we make 'em fast
"Ow! I don't have any pigments!" "Get down there, Sean. The Kelly's
Need ya!" "Aaah!" Irish Catholics, I'm like, "Hey, night, honey
Kid." You get one. Okay? It doesn't... Well. Sit on a love seat
Together. "Oh, was that your elbow?" Kid. It happens. I have to
Run out of the room to sneeze. Ladies up front, you might want to
Check out an EPT on the way home. Okay? I have a powerful sexual
Mojo. Four kids. That's a family. That's going for it. That's the
Pro level. Not you people with this one little yuppie chia kid. You
Know, "Chi, chi, chi, chi, put him on the shelf. Watch him grow. Oh
Justin's advanced in all his classes. Is that right, lady?" Shut up!
Congratulations on the bumper sticker. I'm trying to survive, okay?
I know we have single people here tonight. Yeah, I love ya. Yeah
Absolutely. People on dates. Don't come up to me after the show
With that whole, "Like, we've been together a year and a half
We don't have children, but I'll tell you what, our dog is our baby
" Shut up! You stupid dog people. Your dog is not your baby. You
Come talk to me when you spend five grand taking the dog to Disney
World, okay? Spend 80,000 bucks putting Muffin through dog college
Then come talk to me. "The dog is my baby." Oh, yeah, when your
Dog is sick and about to throw up, do you go, "Oh, honey!" 'Cause
That's what you do when you're a parent. Your child is sick and
About to hurl from some deep, innate, stupid place. You must cup
Your hands and run toward the kid. "Oh, honey. Aaah! That was a
Mistake. What do I do with this now? A paper towel is not gonna help
Me. Thank you. Who gave you Skittles? Do Skittles ever digest?"
Hey, you're at a Fourth of July barbecue. "What? Halloween Skittle!"
Does anybody have one child here? The one... Well, that's not a
Child, really. That's a fancy pet. Just so we understand. What?
You're not a parent, you're a hobbyist. It's nice to have a hobby
I have hobbies. Everybody has a hobby. Come on, you can handle
One kid with a chair and a roll of duct tape. I've seen it happen
Then you have two, right? You think that's a family? Get out of here
Second one comes, "I got this one, you got that one. He's going
To DVDs. Watch him. Yes, DVDs. I got her. Thank you. Watch him."
Now you have three. "I got this one, you got that one, and a free
Agent. Someone's approaching the edge of the radar screen." My
Son is the fourth. He cannot use his thumbs. He has no verbal
Skills. He is monkey boy. Just, "Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!" He follows a
Trail of cookies from place to place. "Monkey boy, cookies. More
Cookies, monkey boy. Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!" I don't have the time
He's going to have to get with the program. His first child's so
Romantic. Huh? "Your first baby's coming. You're having my baby
Every sunset's gorgeous. Flowers bloom wherever you walk. Boink
Boink, boink." And the guy's being all supportive. "Honey, I love
You so much. Lovey, love, love, love, love. I want to welcome this
New miracle into our lives. I childproofed every cabinet in the
House. I boiled the sofa for a half an hour. Nothing unclean will
Touch our precious miracle's little mouth. Boink, boink, boink."
When you have four kids, let me tell you. Fourth kid, sterilization?
You find a pacifier under that car seat after six months
Blow on it. "I got it, buddy. Found it. It's right here."
Then we dry food on the thing. "It's jelly. Jelly, baby buddy
Bonus. Jelly. Mmm. Mmm. It's jelly. Come on. Mmm. Mmm. Keep
Working. It'll soften up. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm."