Lyrics
So, Blaine was this dude, for real, he was a promoter in San Angelo
And he had me out there for 250 bucks to open for Merle Haggard
Merle Haggard has a clause in his contract that says if it rains on
An outdoor stage, at any point 24 hours prior to the show, he doesn't
Have to play. No matter what. No questions asked. And so I showed up
To the gig, about 10 in the morning, it had rained overnight. And
About 10:30 that morning, word came over to Blaine and his crew
His posse. For real, they were his crew, like. As I got to know them
I'd ask them "Hey man, what you been up to?" They'd go "Well, I just
Came back to San Angelo from my vacation in Huntsville." And I was
Like, "I didn't know that was a real destination spot." And then I
Figured out what it was. And they were running from San Angelo down
To Mexico. It's a straight shot on the highway and then back up
Bucket played there with me, and so did Robert. So anyway, we lost a
Bunch of money playing pool. They said, "Merle's cancelling the show
" And they said "Well, Can he come over to the club and play a set?"
They said "No." They said "Okay, how about he comes over and just
Hangs out and has a beer?" They said "No." They said "How about he
Just comes over and like walks around the club once?" They said "No
Ain't gonna do it." So he asked me if I'd come play, I said "Yeah
Sure man, we'll be there." And about 10:30 at night, word came over
That Merle and his band had set up at the Holiday Inn lounge and they
Were playing a full set. And they were coming unglued, man. These
Guys had been up for 7 days. You know, they were using the product
And so we started off, Robert was there, Bucket was there. And about
Halfway through the first song, Blaine comes up with this tray full
Of tequila shots. And he gets up, knocks me off the mic and goes "
Shut it down! Shut this thing down!" And every table in the bar is
Nailed down to the ground so that people can stand on the tables
During the show. And like the whole town, you just act like they
Don't see each other on Sunday or something, 'cause they are going
After it. And he goes "Hey, I got two things to say. First, these
Boys right here, they're better than chocolate cake." Everybody goes
"Hell yeah! Chocolate cake!" And then he says this "Number two, f
- Merle Haggard!" And the whole place is like "Yeah! F- him!"
And then we play the song, and we all throw a tequila shot back
Robert had just stopped drinking, so he throws his over his shoulder
And hits Pete the drummer in the face. And the second song rolls
About halfway through the second song, and here comes Blaine with
Another tray of tequila shots. And proceeds to say the entire speech
Again, shots and all and everything. And everybody's like "Hell yeah!
" And for the next 17 songs, Blaine came up every song with a tray
Of tequila shots and never really realized he had said it before
One time. And so that night, he got his fourth DUI on his way home
He was running for mayor at the time too, by the way. The owner of
Blaine's Pub, the bar of your dreams. I'm never really sure what
Dream that was in, but. So he tells the cops, they only had two
Beers, of course. And when he gets in front of the judge, he says "
Hey, I got a plan. There's a world record for consecutive rides on a
Ferris wheel. I'm gonna bring a ferris wheel to town. And I'm gonna
Ride that ferris wheel till we break the record, I'm gonna get people
To ride it with me. I'm gonna charge 10 bucks for a ride, and when I
Get done, I'm gonna give you all the money if you just don't send me
To jail." And the judge said "Okay, sounds like a great deal to me."