Rap At Kitchen Table

Watch me step up to the mic looking hairy and muscular

Dick swinging, balls in the air like a juggler

Posh motherfucker, dropping sweet bombs

I don't beef with rappers, I filet mignon

Steppin' against me as I'm lyrically blitzin'

Is counter-productive like fitting a kitchen

My rapping is so military, I'm actually a visionary

I come hard with words like I'm wanking on a dictionary

When it be coming to rhymes, you know that I've got them in dollops

Rappers that try to be stepping to me will get lyrically punched in the bollocks

I'm posh but I'm gangsta, it's getting alarming

I'm bordering street like accessible parking

I'll trap these insects: that's flypaper

If you draw I'll end you, that's a tie-breaker

Get you high as fuck: that's a skyscaper

And I'm going in buzzing: that's a vibrator (rah!)

You motherfuckers are about to get beaten

I'll school you so hard you'll get accepted to Eton

I'll school you once with my viscous aggression

Then double down like twins with depression

Rappers hate I sound so middle class on the beat

They call me a pussy: well, you are what you eat

Yeah I had sex with your lady, you'll shout "Oh goodness"

When she comes back reeking of that organic hummus

The ladies look at me and say I'm defs the hottest

They give me big wood: Thetford Forest

The ladies wanna do me as I harden downward

I've got sugar on the side like I'm Margaret Mountford

Racking the paper and my shagging is major

I'm appealing in the sack like a bag of pataters

My girl is checked out 'cause she's the hottest

Your girl is checkout manager at Londis

Ladies ask me for four fingers like a Kit Kat

Fuck so hard that my balls have a six pack

Ladies wanna crawl all over me like a lizard

Even though I resemble an accountant boy wizard

My rhymes are so magic and my flows are so seamless

Every booth I step in is a Chamber of Sweetness

Rhymes so hot Dumbledore will enquire

If I put my mixtape in the Goblet of Fire

I'm a one man gang, flabbergast with rap slang

Disagree then you're a fat wang, flash bang

Hear the gat rang, yep I've got a gun I swear

I'll put clips to your head like I'm styling your hair

When I be rolling with my rifle there's no greater view

I got the Hawke on board like Pro Skater 2

My rifle brings heat like a massive cooker

This AK's a beauty: Ashton Kutcher

My AK shoot's hard and it's properly bad

I'll raise the 47 like I've adopted your dad

Me and my crew pull triggers so quick

It's like we're making new friends the way we instantly click

Break into my house my gun'll be smoking

I trigger on my turf: JK Rowling

And if me rapping about these guns disturbs

My guns not real I was just having fun with words

Your raps are shit, and I do the damage

You're an inbred melt like a tuna sandwich

I'm a real warrior, a motherfucking warrior

A real warrior: anxiety's a bitch

Been wild since a child and crazy since a baby

And been a headliner ever since I was a minor

Infamy since infancy, fatal since pre-natal

And sicker than cholera since I was a toddler

Uh, I dress cool so the people say "wowzers"

I'm fly on principle: headmaster's trousers

Wanna battle me? Here's advice for the arena

Concentrate, or you'll get buried: Ribena

They say hip hop comes in many different forms

And there's so many ways to truly fucking boss this

Well, I come in many forms

Now I'm banned from the Post Office

Spitting sick lyrics is what I'm doing on regular

I'll show these whack rappers that their skills are not premier

I'll burn the microphone to a really hot temperature

I really like fish: non sequitur (rah!)

That's the end of my lyrical tapestry

I'm so real, every other rapper is imaginary

Spit sick tracks 'cos my shit's tremendous

Serving you with bangers like an English breakfast