Alice's Restaurant Massacree

And rather than bring that one up we decided to throw ours down

That's what we did and

Drove back to the church

Had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat

Went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning

When we got a phone call from officer Obie

He said, "Kid

We found your name on an envelope

At the bottom of a half a ton of garbage and

Just wanted to know if you had any information about it"

And I said, "Yes sir, Officer Obie

I cannot tell a lie

I put that envelope under that garbage"

After speaking to Obie for about 45 minutes on the telephone

We finally arrived at the truth of the matter, and said

That we had to go down and pick up the garbage and

Also had to go down and speak to him at the

Police officer's station

So we got in the red VW microbus

With the shovels and rakes, and implements of destruction

And headed on toward the police officer's station

Now friends

There was only one or two things that Obie coulda done

At the police station

And the first was that he coulda give us a medal

For being so brave and honest on the telephone

Which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it

And the other thing was that he coulda bawled us out

And told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again

Which is what we expected

But when we got to the police officer's station

There was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon

And we was both immediately arrested

Handcuffed

And I said, "Obie I don't think

I can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on"

He said, "Shut up kid

Get in the back of the patrol car"

And that's what we did

Sat in the back of the patrol car

And drove to the quote, scene of the crime, unquote

I wanna tell you about the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts

Where this happened here

They got three stop signs

Two police officers and one police car

But when we got to the scene of the crime

There was five police officers and three police cars

Being the biggest crime of the last fifty years

And everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it

And they was using up all kinds of cop equipment

That they had hanging around the police officer's station

They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints

Dog smellin' prints

And they took 27 eight-by-ten color glossy photographs

With circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one

Explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us

Took pictures of the approach, the getaway

The northwest corner, the southwest corner

And that's not to mention the aerial photography

After the ordeal we went back to the jail

Obie said he was going to put us in the cell

Said, "Kid I'm going to put you in the cell

I want your wallet and your belt"

And I said, "Obie

I can understand you wanting my wallet

So I don't have any money to spend in the cell

But what do you want my belt for?"

And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings"

I said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"

Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was

'Cause he took out the toilet seat

So I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown

And he took out the toilet paper

So I couldn't bend the bars, roll out

The roll the toilet paper out the window

Slide down the roll and have an escape

Obie was making sure

And it was about four or five hours later that Alice

Remember Alice? It's a song about Alice

Alice came by, and with a few nasty words

To Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail

And we went back to the church

Had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat

And didn't get up until the next morning

When we all had to go to court

We walked in, sat down

Obie came in

With the 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures

With the circles and arrows

And a paragraph on the back of each one

Sat down

Man came in, said, "All rise"

We all stood up

And Obie stood up

With the 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures

And the judge walked in

Sat down with a seeing-eye dog

And he sat down, we sat down

Obie looked at the seeing-eye dog

And then at the 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures

With the circles and arrows

And a paragraph on the back of each one

And looked at the seeing-eye dog

And then at 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures

With the circles and arrows

And a paragraph on the back of each one, and began to cry

'Cause Obie came to the realization

That it was a typical case of American blind justice

And there wasn't nothing he could do about it

And the judge wasn't going to look at

The 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures

With the circles and arrows

And a paragraph on the back of each one

Explaining what each one was

To be used as evidence against us

And we was fined 50 dollars

And had to pick up the garbage in the snow

But, that's not what I came to tell you about

Came to talk about the draft

They got a buildin' down New York City

It's called Whitehall Street

Where you walk in

You get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected, and selected

I went down to get my physical examination one day

And I walked, in I sat down

Got good and drunk the night before

So I looked and felt my best

When I went in that mornin'

'Cause I wanted to look like the all-American kid

From New York City

Man, I wanted, I wanted to feel like the all-

I wanted to be the all-American kid from New York

And I walked in, sat down

I was hung down, brung down, hung up

And all kindsa mean, nasty, ugly things

And I walked in and sat down

And they gave me a piece of paper

Said, "Kid see the psychiatrist, room 604"

And, and I went up there, I said "Shrink

I wanna kill

I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill

Kill

I wanna, I wanna see

I wanna see blood and gore and guts, and veins in my teeth

Eat dead, burnt bodies

I mean kill

Kill, kill, kill!"

And I started jumpin' up and down yelling, "Kill, kill!"

And he started jumpin' up and down with me

And we was both jumpin' up and down

Yelling, "Kill, kill!"

And the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me

Sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy"

Didn't feel too good about it

Proceeded on down the hall

Getting' more injections, inspections, detections, neglections

And all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me

At the thing there

And I was there for two hours, three hours, four hours

I was there for a long time

Going through all kinds of mean nasty ugly things

And I was just having a tough time there

And they was inspecting, injecting every single part of me

And they was leaving no part untouched

Proceeded through and I

When I finally came to the see the very last man

I walked in

Walked in, sat down after a whole big thing there

And I walked up, and said, "What do you want?"

He said, "Kid we only got one question

Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of

Alice's Restaurant Massacre

With full orchestration and five-part harmony

And stuff like that and all the phenome...

"Stop it right there"

And said "Kid, did you ever go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of

The 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures

With the circles and arrows

And a paragraph on the back of each one

And, "Stop it right there", and said "Kid

I want you to go over and sit down on that bench

That says 'Group W'

Now kid!"

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there

And there is, there is Group W's where they

Where they put you

If you may not be moral enough to

To join the army

After committing your special crime, and

There was all kinds of mean nasty, ugly lookin' people

On the bench there

Mother rapers

Father stabbers

Father rapers!

Father rapers

Sittin' right there on the bench next to me!

And, one-

They was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible

Crime-type guys just sitting there on the bench

And the meanest ugliest nastiest one

The meanest father raper of them all

Was coming over to me

And he was mean 'n' ugly 'n' nasty 'n' horrible

And all kind of things

And he sat down next to me and said

"Kid, whad'ya get?"

I said, "I didn't get nothing

I had to pay 50 dollars, and pick up the garbage"

He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"

And I said, "Litterin'"

And they all moved away from me on the bench there

And the hairy eyeball, and all kinds of mean nasty things

'Til I said, "And creatin' a nuisance"

And they all came back, shook my hand

And we had a great time on the bench

Talkin' about crime, mother stabbing, father raping

All kinds of groovy things that we was talking about

On the bench

And everything was fine

We was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of things

Until the sergeant came over

Had some paper in his hand

Held it up and said, "Kids

This-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences

58-words-we-wanna-know-details-of-the-crime

Time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing

You-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime

I-want-to-know-arresting-officer's-name-and

Any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say"

And he talked for 45 minutes

And nobody understood a word that he said

But we had fun filling out the forms

And playing with the pencils on the bench there

And I filled out the massacre

With the four-part harmony

And wrote it down there just like it was

And everything was fine

And I put down the pencil

And I turned over the piece of paper

And, and there

There on the other side

In the middle of the other side

Away from everything else on the other side

In parentheses

Capital letters

Quotated

Read the following words

"Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?"

I went over to the sergeant, and said

"Sergeant, you got a lot a damn gall

To ask me if I've rehabilitated myself I mean

I mean

I mean, I'm just, I'm sitting here on the bench

I mean, I'm sitting here on the Group W bench

'Cause you wanna know if I'm moral enough

To join the army, burn women, kids, houses and villages

After being a litterbug

He looked at me, and said, "Kid

We don't like your kind

And we're gonna send you fingerprints off to Washington"

And friends, somewhere in Washington

Enshrined in some little folder

Is a study in black and white of my fingerprints

And the only reason I'm singing you this song now

Is 'cause you may know somebody in a similar situation

Or you may be in a similar situation

And if you're in a situation like that

There's only one thing you can do

Is walk in to the shrink wherever you are

Just walk in, say "Shrink

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant"

And walk out

You know if one person, just one person does it

They may think he's really sick and they won't take him

And if two people, two people do it

In harmony

They may think they're both faggots

And they won't take either of them

And if three people do it

Three, can you imagine three people walking in?

Singin' a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out

They may think it's an organization

And can you, can you imagine 50 people a day

I said 50 people a day

Walking in, singin' a bar of Alice's Restaurant, and walking out

And friends, they may think it's a movement

And that's what it is

The Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement

And all you got to do to join

Is to sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar

With feelin'

So, we'll wait 'til it comes around on the guitar here

And sing it when it does

Here it comes

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Walk right in, it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible

If you want to end war and stuff you gotta sing loud

I could put a lot...

I been singing this song now for 25 minutes

I could sing it for another 25 minutes

I'm not proud

Or tired

So we'll wait 'til it comes around again and

This time with four-part harmony and feelin'

We're just waitin' for it to come around

Is what we're doing

All right now

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Excepting Alice

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

I said walk right in it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

And you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Da da da da da da da dum

At Alice's Restaurant