Wife Swap

I made love to an older woman one time

They call them cougars now

Back then, I just called her Aunt Donna

To be honest with you

I had no idea what was going on

She was more of a leopard really, you know

She had a lot of liver spots

But let me say this

Let me say this

Relationships-

Relationships are tough

And I got a buddy of mine right now

His blow-up doll popped last week

It was pretty tragic

I guess he was making love and her face had a carpet tack

It's on YouTube if you want to see it on there

I love you, I love you

She went farting out the window on him there

He's trying to mend the relationship now

But he says she ain't as attractive to him no more, you know

With the eye patch and everything

There's some kinky folks, too

I got a buddy of mine into wife swapping

I might try that

He got a Go-Kart and a chainsaw for his

So I might try that

I remember back in college

I made love to this girl 300 pounds

I ain't never seen something this huge

Her elbow had a camel toe

I ain't making that up here

Hey, that is true

That is not a made-up joke

That is not a made-up joke

And I met her on an internet overweight dating service

Craftsingles dot com

But we get done making love

She go, "Boy, I love that bed we was on

Was that a Tempur-Pedic bed?

Because it conformed right to the shape of my body

I mean, I sunk into that bed"

I'm like, "We was on the floor"

And I'll tell you, the girl broke my heart

She busted me up good

This girl was beautiful

Could have been a model

But she had tattoos from the neck down

I ain't into tattoos

Covered

Why would she do that?

She was gorgeous

And just turns out she lied to me

She wasn't even good-looking

She had a tattoo of a pretty girl's face on her face the whole time

Pissed me off

But I'm married now, so that's all in the past

I'ma tell you something

My wife, I love her to death

She's my best friend in the whole world

And she, well, thank you

But I will say this

I will say this

I was mad at her last night

Because she didn't want to make love to me

And then I informed her

I still had some rollover minutes, so do that

She's pretty spontaneous too

One time, she tied my ankles to the bedpost

And tied my wrist to the bedpost

And then she left

And the store manager had to untie me out there

Pissed me off

I guess they don't let you get kinky to JC Penney anymore

I guess

But I love her to death

We've been married four years

We've only fought one time in our entire life

And that was at Easter last year

But that was my fault

Because I hold my farts in for Lent

So yeah

Easters not a lot of fun around our house

I mean always

You know what kills me at Easter?

Them daggum peeps

Them marshmallow peeps

Good Lord

You ever eat a peep?

You ever poop a peep?

You ever do that?

That's like pulling taffy

That ain't good at all

Pooping a peep

Well, I wonder if the pips ever pooped a peep

What the hell am I talking about

You get the feeling I could do this show

Without anybody at all in here right now

What the hell is wrong with me?