Love Letters In The Sand

Yes, come on." And a dozen of them go off at once. It perplexed me for

A great number of years, that did. I finally worked it out. The seats

Are very high in there, they've gotta lift each other on and off

Like, give 'em a leg-up. And the other thing I've noticed about

Ladies in dance halls, if you get two dancing together, you always

Get a nice one and a tug. I went out with so many tugs, used to call

Me the Queen Mary round our way. I was up there one night giving it

Rice with Gits and me, and he's dancing with this, uh, drink on a

Stick he's got. What a bargain he's got. And me, I've come in last in

The sack race again, haven't I? This one I've got has got a wimpy

Jacket on and steel toe cap boots. The birds are building nests in

Her hair, she's that bloody tall. She's got the biggest pair of

Bazooms I've ever seen. It's like dancing under a cliff. In the end

I stood on her boots and let her carry me round, I thought, "Bugger

It." So I thought "There's no way the chatsby bit is gonna work this

Evening, is it?" Eh? You can't give it the mouth business 'cause I'm

Shouting up the hill. "Hellooooo!" And I thought "Get straight in

Give it a wobbly," you know what I mean? "Get stuck in, don't mess

About, none of the chatsby." I said "Hello, up there!" She said "

What?" I said "Do you drop 'em?" She said "Not usually, but you talked

Me into it." I thought "That's fair enough." So I took her home that

Night on the tandem. She's on both saddles and I'm sat on her

Shoulders. We got to these flats where she lived. She lived in these

Flats, the Smedley flats in Manchester. And it makes Colditz look

Like Butlins. And we get there, and the whole place, you could smell

Ribs and cabbage for miles round, you know what I mean? I love ribs

And cabbage, and it's Friday night, I've had a few bevies. And we

Get up the stairs, they're treading on all the dead dogs instead of

Carpet. Used to have dead dogs on the stairs. And we get in the flat

There, and we open the door, and her dad's there. Get introduced to

Him. What an incredible bloke. Huge, one eye right in the middle

You know what I mean? Great big fella. So he shakes hands, breaks all

The fingers. "I'm very pleased to meet you." She said "We're just

Going in the kitchen, Dad, to make some coffee." He says "Righto,"

And he's watching the dot on the screen, doesn't know it's gone off

He's got no eyelids. Thinks it's another program, you know. So we get

In the kitchen there, and mind me, I've read all these books about

How to get, you know, how to get ladies aroused and things like that

You know. 'Cause I'm into all that, me, you know. And we get in

There, and she's sat up against the gas stove, like. Got the kettle

On, there's a big pan of ribs and cabbage bubbling away there

Great big sheet of ribs and all the cabbage round it. So I get a

Chair, and I pull the chair up to the side of her, and I stand on

This chair, and I... And page one of this, I got this book called

The Perfumed Allotment, you know. And page one is, you start by

Breathing heavy in their ear, blowing in their ear, and it sort

Of turns you on like madness, you know what I mean? So I'm there

I've got my mouth right up on her lug hole, I'm going -blowing

And there's a big pink bubble coming out the other side, like

And she's starting to float away a bit, you know, and I thought

. I thought "I better give it a swerve with this," you know. So

Lesson two, like, lesson two, page two, is you start tickling the

Back of the neck. And that is it, I mean, that is the real monty

That's the works, that is.So I'm giving it the neck business aren't I

Fingers like an epileptic spider up and down her neck

And it says you're to work your way gradually down the spine

Until eventually they're like putty in your hands you see

So I'm going up, down, up, down

I thought here we go, this is it, in

For quids, full house bingo, here we go

Thwump, and I run my hand straight down right in the ribs and cabbage

Argh

I pull them out and I've got seven fingers

And I can't tell which is the ribs and

Which is mine, you know, they're all red

And the dad come flying in the kitchen, he said

Hey, is she bothering you, her?

Come straight up to her, nutted her on the nose, boomf, like that

She got a face full of dandruff, he said, you leave him alone, you

He said, you better get going while

You're still in one piece, sunshine

I said, no, I'm alright

He said, go on while you're still in one piece, he said, get home

I said, are you sure? He says, yeah, go on

Oh, I thought, alright

I was really disappointed, you know, because

The things were just starting to happen

And she showed me downstairs and I thought, well, I've

Never been thrown out before, I'm gonna get my own back here

And it'd been snowing while I was upstairs

And the craft in front of Smelly Flats

Like, it was all, looked lovely

Looked like a Christmas card, it was great, you know

All the old prams and that had all been covered up, you know

And I thought, right, I'm gonna get my own

Back now, I'm gonna whittle in the snow

And I'm gonna write my name in rude words to that bloke, so I'm there

Whittling in the snow, see

And I wrote Michael Christopher Beauregard

Damien Aloysius Gregory Harding

And I went back and dotted all the I's and that

And I didn't know, I didn't know, but her dad

Was watching out of the balcony, wasn't he?

And he's watching and he's saying, hey, mother

That bloke that our Frida's brought home, he's whittling

In the snow and he's written his name in whittle

She said, well, you know what, lads

I like you, you're a lad yourself, what?

He said, aye, he said, but that's our Frida's handwriting

That is, he said, it's all sloping backwards

It's true, that