I Had a Slouch Hat Too One Time (with Steve Allen)

I don't see him, so I best, I better go"

"Well, tell me about the old slouch hat"

Oh, one of my numerous trips to one of

The numerous clubs in New York City

The hat finally was left in the hotel

Which I had to leave rather hardly one night, never to return

So the hat was given to the castoffs of the

Hotel which they collect in rummage sales

May now be worn by one of the members

Of Skid Row, New York City, the Bowery

"I seen that hat by moonlight"

Yeah, I had a pointed mustache, and

I mean pointed, half inch from here

Double-breasted vest and a derby hat and striped trousers

English shoes, black, very pointed, they were Hanna shoes

People on Broadway turn and look at me

The worst is yet to come

I had a pince-nez with a long black ribbon to my buttonhole

And I wore a carnation, white or red

Boy, did I look like something

Year later I got caught

I was dressed differently and everything

But boy, that mustache and that pince-nez was really out of this world

I used that outfit six months

Finally had to pack it in because it was too well worn

Pince-nez was in a coat I stole

Mustache I grew in the sanitarium while

Taking one of my numerous drug cures

My mother come to see me, she says, "Oh no, cut it off"

I'm just having a little fun, mother

Took it on the lam and went to Canada

Late at night, I'm full of morphine

And I come down full of goofballs too

This guy had a ventriloquist doll and

He gave out this Texas guinan routine

"Hello, sucker, we like your money as well as anybody else's

As a matter of fact, the bigger you roll, the more we take you"

He used to get everybody interested

With the doll and cut out silhouettes

Put stripes in your tie

Wound up in his room, gave him a shot of morphine

Out on the highway I thumbed a ride into Buffalo

And I put the bum on the guy for something to eat

He said, "Eat in my drugstore"

So we went in the back and he had corn on the cob and boiled potatoes

"Say, fella, I always hear people talk

About morphine, what's it look like?"

He shows me, he had a he, a cabinet

He had bottles of hundreds, quarter grains

Half grains, pentapod, dilaudid, everything

Soon as he tended to the customers I emptied the bottles

Got out of there pretty quick, bought a safety

Pin in Buffalo and took a shot in the toilet

Come out and saw a fella shaving, his coat hanging there

Hung my own coat and gave his coat a brush with my hand

Felt his wallet, washed my hands

Went out and took off with the wallet

So I started out on a shoplifting campaign in Buffalo

It was about 1910, wasn't very experienced at it

Started out with a topcoat and sold it in a taxicab stand

Next day I decided to get myself some suits

And I went up and I had a suit box and I walked about

And put the suit box in one of the dressing rooms

Looked and fooled in the mirror, went out and I hawked those too

Next day like a damn fool, go out to the same store

But I got a newspaper instead of a suit box

Thought I'd try a new routine

Two guys kind of watching me

I went in and wrapped myself up, two suits, went in the elevator

Bottom gentleman tapped me on the arm, "Will you come with me please?"

In the county jail, they ate breakfast, you got oatmeal

With one spoonful of molasses

For lunch, stew, mostly bones, graveyard stew

And for supper, dinner at night, beans

And you couldn't smoke