The One Thing You Can't Replace

The reason someone had said:

Something, something police" was because the police were there

So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs

And got to the bottom of the basement

And looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling

"Fuck da police" in his face

And he was almost impressed

He was like: "wow"

And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went: "get the paddy wagon"

And my friend John, who is now a father this man now has a baby

He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled "scatter!"

But everyone ran in a different direction

We all ran in different directions

It was like that scene in Rataouille when the humans come in the kitchen

And all the rats go in different ways

We all ran in different directions

I ran into the laundry room

And I jumped on the washing machine

And I crawled out through a window into the backyard

And now I'm running through the backyard and there's this big chain-linked fence

And I thought "I've never climbed a fence that high before"

And then I woke up at home

On Monday, I went to school

Because that's what we did back then

And I'm walking into the school building and who do I see

But Jake Macnimara

And he says to me "hey, were you at my party on Saturday?"

And I said "no" you know, like a liar

And he said "things got really out of hand

Someone broke the pool table

Someone took a shit on my dad's computer"

"But the worse thing", he says

"The worse thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother

And my parents are freaking out about it"

And I had that thought

That only black out drunks and Steve Urkel can have

Did

Did I do that?

I figured no, I wouldn't have done that

But I was never sure until, two years later

Relax

I'm playing video games with this kid named Alex

That we also went to high school with

Two years later, we've graduated by now

We're playing video games for a couple hours

And then Alex says to me:

"Hey, come here, I want to show you something"

And then he takes me into his bedroom

And then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom

Never a good thing to have

He shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall

In stolen antique photos from different people's parties over the years

And I said: "why?"

"Why do you do this?"

And Alex said: "because it's the one thing you can't replace"

That's the end of that story, but how fucked up is that? right?

That's crazy!

So I don't drink anymore