Mushroom Story

Sometimes they get kids from another school to do it with you

But technically all you're really doing is what I described before

Now, your parents, at least in my case

My parents told me that I was representing the community

And they said that if things went well

We could win district

Now listen, I didn't even know I was from a district

Let alone know that it was up for fucking grabs

And that somehow I was responsible for attaining it for everybody

And I had to wear this uncomfortable fucking outfit to do it

Right?

So one afternoon

One afternoon I'm at football practice, right?

And we got this thing that they make you do

Where they have this sled with pads on it

And you gotta push this sled

And the coach stands on it and yells at you while you push the sled

This never happens during the game

But they make you practice it anyway

Not only do they make you practice it

You gotta wait in line to push this fucking thing

So here I am waiting in line to push something

And I notice across the field from this field I'm standing in

Is a whole different group of kids

And these kids have on all the same stuff they wore to school

And I know that they're smoking cigarettes which I had heard was bad

But there's also some chicks standing around with these guys

So I tap this older guy in front of me and I say

"Who are those guys over there?"

He said, "Those are the burnouts, man"

I said, "What's a burnout?"

He said, "The burnouts hang out in the smoke pit"

I said, "What's a smoke pit?"

He said, "That's where the burnouts hang out"

And I didn't know any more than when I started

So I asked the coach, I said

"Coach, what's a burnout from the smoke pit, man?"

And he said, "Oh, Snyder

I would hate to see you turn into some

Kind of burnout from the smoke pit"

Sorry, coach

He said, "Son, I'm not trying to disparage

Any of the other kids at this school

But those kids over there

They're just a bunch of dirty sheep

Standing around in a field doing nothing"

I said, "Well, I don't want to be that"

So I went about my business

But then about a week later I was in the cafeteria

Sitting there minding my own business

And sits next to me is this kid that I clearly recognize

As a burnout from the smoke pit

And I didn't know what to do

Then he started talking to me

And he seemed as nice as any of the other kids I'd ever met

So I didn't know what to do

And then he said to me, "Hey, Snyder, man

Have you ever tried psychedelic mushrooms before?"

And I said, "No, I never tried nothing like that before"

He said, "Would you like to try something like that?"

I said, "Sure, I think I might like to try something like that"

So he hands me this big handful of psychedelic mushrooms

And I eat them

And about 35 minutes later

I realize that there's no way

I'm gonna be able to go to football practice that afternoon

So I decided to go stand in that other field with those other kids

And as I was standing in that field with those other kids

I saw the life that had been planned out for me

From a distance for the first time

There they were, man, the football team

And I ain't trying to disparage any of

The other kids at the school either

I'm just saying that it could be argued

That they look like a bunch of dirty sheep

Standing around in a field doing nothing too

And just as I was taking this information in

I looked up at the goalposts

And the goalposts turned into candles

And just as I was taking that in

They turned into Roman candles

And they went into the sky

And just as I was taking that in

I looked over at that sled I'd been pushing for a couple months

And I saw my friends lined up to push that sled

Only now it wasn't a padded sled

It was Fred G. Sanford from the hit situation television comedy

Sanford and Son

And he was holding his chest like it was the big one

And they were pushing him

Who would make that up?

Now, let me tell you what happens next

This pad that they're pushing morphs from Fred Sanford

Into Jesus Christ himself

And I'm not trying to be sacrilegious

In fact, I was put out that they were pushing him

But they were pushing him

And then just as I was about to get upset

He morphed into this other guy

That wasn't Jesus but did have a big beard and long hair

And a robe and sandals

Like some kind of guy that might have hung with Jesus in the day

And I'm staring at him

And these football players are pushing him

And as I'm staring at him

He looks over and makes eye contact with me

And then he yells across the field

"Hey, man, do you have two tens for a quarter?

Or two fives for a nickel?"

Then he said, "Can you get to Arca Butler from here?"

And I knew then in that moment, friends and neighbors

And brothers and sisters

That I was never going to go back to football practice again

For as long as I was going to be alive

And while ironically to this day

I still follow Coach Boyer and the Beaverton Beavers

Because A, I think that this could be the year we win district

And B, we got the coolest goalposts in the whole fucking state

And that, brothers and sisters

Is the touching story of how psychedelic drugs

Turned me from the scoreboard-watching jock that my dad was hoping for

Into the peace-loving, pot-smoking, porn-watching

Lazy-ass hippie that stands before you this afternoon at Bonnaroo