Twin

I have a half-twin

I also have a Siamese stepson

A friend of mine is on the Ouija board of directors

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out anymore until I'm in better shape

I said, "Alright, don't send me a bill until I pay you"

I was in third grade when they told me

There was a skeleton inside of me, and it freaked me out

From then on, every Halloween, I went door to door naked

"Don't think of the skin, don't think of the skin!"

That was the same year she asked us

If we could be any animal in the world, what animal would we want to be?

And I raised my hand, and I said, "A bird"

And she said, "Why, so you could fly?"

And I said, "No, so my shit would be white"

Teacher started crying

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy

Lately, I've been trying to feel healthier

So I've been eating a lot of vitamins, but I don't know, I don't know

Too many vitamins you have to eat before you feel full

One good thing about it, though, the color of my urine is amazing

It's like going to a laser show

I go in there, I shut the lights off, I put Pink Floyd on

So I called up the airline to make a reservation

They said, "How many will be traveling?"

I said, "How do I know? It's your plane"

I bought one walkie-talkie

Didn't want anyone to hear what I was saying

I'm addicted to placebos

I could quit, but it wouldn't matter

I'm also part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

I have to go door to door and tell everybody I'm somebody else