Scars

But I'm trying hard to forgive you

Dear Alex

I'm writing this letter second cause I don't know how to start it

Just know that I love you greatly but time has come to be honest

And this might push us further part but Imma say it regardless

Cause there's a lot of wounds on my body with your name across it

I know everyone's gotta a scar but my scars are the largest

And it sucks to know my sister is the one that carved all these scars in

Fuck

When I lived there you never fucking noticed me

All you did would just blow me off like some fucking sneeze

Complain to mom that I wasn't your cup of tea

That I rubbed you wrong way like massages below the knees

You walk around like your shit didn't stink it was Potpourri

So ask yourself if I was Alex and you were Ian would you wanna be close to me?

But that's not on you thats all on me

But let's talk about the house on Cheewall lane when mom and I were just arguing

Mom caught me with triple c's which is none of your fucking business

But Alex the sassy princess had to give her opinion

You said something like no wonder you failure duh

I was mad but that right there really just gas me up

So I turned to you, cleared my throat and called you a nasty slut

Then seconds later you and I we were scraping throwing hands and such

Caden was freaking out, mom tried to pull me off you

I saw was red, My only thought was put Alex in the hospital

My mindset was tainted from how you both would belittle me

But I can't believe I stooped to your level to put hands on my sibling

And just like that little miss Alex is in the clear

While I'm getting castrated for how my actions appeared

Taylor died that summer and now this

Plus triple C's how did I let this happen right here

So I moved to Washington for some space and a sober mind

Then you posted on Facebook how I moved away and how you were so surprised

When I read it I was so fucking pissed reading comments like Alex your so polite

And to this day I always wonder was it sincere or was it all for the fucking likes

Look I'm not writing this letter to shit on your name and diss you

But this anger is killing me so I need to constraint the issue

Just know I'm working hard on my ability not to blame but forgive you

But to this day when I think about us I don't know who should forgive who

But I'm trying hard to forgive you

I'm working hard to forgive myself

Raul

I'm writing this letter third cause I think it's the harshest

Just know that I fucking hate you for all the shit that I tarnished

And you can apologize but it doesn't matter regardless

Cause everyone makes mistakes but your mistakes are my largest wounds

And I hate to think that you felt joy when you cut these scars in with your carving tools

Back when I sat on that trail stand with anxiety

And lawyers would ask me questions like what'd he do to you privately

I was trying so fucking hard not to cry but my eyes would leak

Not because of my fear but because the pain inside of me

On the trail stand my mind was racing, the jury could see my tires spin

I told myself your name wouldn't stick to me like some dryer lint

So I balled my fist

Built the courage to look and you and my thoughts became profound and so violent

I thought about car batteries latched to electric wires and separate heated pilers

I would love to apply against

You stumpy body and watch fire burn every inch of on your disgustingly vile skin

And just sit back and watch you feel the wrath that you put my entire body in

Fuck

And when you cried to stop and wanted call a quits

I'd smear salt in the wounds and make you fucking cry again

You deserve to see hell on earth like inmates in Auschwitz

Cause from where I'm standing prisons not a great enough consequence

I'm done letting you haunt me stiff

It's time to change the song in my life but broken records are hard to skip

Scars are impossible to ignore but call me a jockey cause I'm learning to harness it

A couple days ago I wanted to visit you

Get my answers even if the questions were difficult

Like math papers, which is irony cause nothing is adding up when I think of you

If I add up the time you took then subtract my feelings

Multiply the tension in my heart and divide the secrets

I'm left with an equation that doesn't equal the answer needed

I'm left with a time gap and fraction of my life you took

But this letter is to exact revenge

For anyone that doesn't have a voice or lacks a friend

People like Raul are fucking scum, They don't get to take your passion or your livelihood

They don't get to distract your goals, or manage what might be good

That motherfucker used to bruise me, bite me

Sexually abuse me strike me

Hold my neck with a fucking tight squeeze

But he doesn't get to damage my childhood

And he never will

So Raul I'm writing this letter to shit on your name and diss you

Cause you fucked with wrong kid forget about constraining the issue

Just know that I will always blame you and never fucking forgive you

And I hope that you rot in jail then rot in hell and Satin the one who kills you

You motherfucker

I hate to think there's kids out there that witnessed the shit I have

That fell victim to abuse and see nothing to bypass

Well I promise you what you endured doesn't label you

The devil comes in numerous forms

More than red skin pitch fork Hooves and horns

He comes as pedophiles and abusive trails that you endured

But that won't break you

I didn't write this letter for attention

I wrote them for at least one kid if I could save you

If I could be the voice that you never had to speak

I would talk for a thousand hours until you found your peace

Until you story was finally heard and you could drop the anger you hold and feel relief

Man that would be peace to me