Sandwiches

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime

But I tried to make it at home

There's more to it than that

"Want some more homemade Sprite?"

Not 'til you figure out what the fuck else is in it

I like refried beans, that's why I want to try fried beans

'Cause maybe they're just as good, and we're wasting time

You don't have to fry them again after all

I eat a lot of sandwiches, who doesn't, man?

Sandwiches are easy to eat

But I hate sandwiches at New York Delis

Too much fucking meat on a sandwich

It's like a cow with a cracker on either side

"What would you like, sir?"

"A pastrami sandwich"

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people"

"What kind of bread?"

"Rye

No, fuck, banana, you got banana bread?"

"What kind of cheese?"

"Cottage"

"Get the fuck out

I'm not making a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich

That would severely ruin my reputation"

I order the club sandwich all the time

And I'm not even a member, man

I don't know how I get away with it

"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread"

"So do I"

"Well, let's form a club then"

"Okay, but we need some more stipulations"

"Yes, we do

Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again

Yes, four triangles

And we'll position them into a circle

And in the middle, we will dump chips

Or potato salad"

"Okay"

"Let me ask you a question

How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"

"I'm for 'em"

"Well, this club is formed

Spread the word on menus nationwide"

"I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts"

"Well, then you're not in the fucking club"

I went to a pizzeria

I ordered a slice of pizza

The fucker gave me the smallest slice possible