Kiss Me, I'm Sh*tfaced

I play in a band, we're the best in the land

We're big in both Chelsea and France

I play one mean guitar and then score at the bar

There's a line of chicks waiting for their chance

So come on now honey, I'll make you feel pretty

These other gals mean nothing to me

Let's finish these drinks and be gone for the night

'Cause I'm more than a handful, you'll see

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced

I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown

In the trousers, she kissed me

And I only bought her one round

I can bench-press a car, I'm an ex-football star

With degrees from both Harvard and Yale

Girls just can't keep up, I'm a real love machine

I've had far better sex while in jail

I've designed the Sears Tower, I make two grand an hour

I cook the world's best duck flambé

I'll take the pick of the litter, girls jockey for me

I don't need these lines to get laid

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced

I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown

In the trousers, she kissed me

And I only bought her one round

I'm a man of the night, a real ladies' delight

See my figure was chiseled from stone

One more for the gal, then I'll escort her home

Come last call, I'm never alone

I've a house on the hill with a red water bed

That puts Hugh Hefner's mansion to shame

With girls by the pool and Italian sports cars

I'm just here in this dump for the game

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced

I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown

In the trousers, she kissed me

And I only bought her one round

So kiss me, I'm shitfaced

I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown

In the trousers, she kissed me

And I only bought her one round

Ahh, fuck it

Who am I shitting?

I'm a pitiful sight, and I ain't all that bright

I'm definitely not chiseled from stone

I'm a cheat and a liar, no woman's desire

I'll probably die cold and alone