Religious Persuasion

Protestant or Catholic?

Cried a voice from the crowd

Not you again, St Peter

I was thinking aloud

Should have packed my bags

Headed off for the coast

Had my time already come

To meet the heavenly host

They switched on their halos

Adjusted their harps

Checked that the blades on the pearly gates were sharp

I asked them what they meant about religious bent

They said "That's the testament, that's the testament"

They were given holy orders

I think you'll find

I was up against persuasion

Of the religious kind

You'll find

It was Hail Marys at the drop of a track

Set the seven deadly sins to sing "Run Amok"

I pondered on the churches of England and Rome

Hadn't paid the rent for my spiritual home

Needed guidance from the leaders

Whose names I knew

Archbishop and John Player number two

I quaked in my sackcloth

Threw away my joss stick

Burned my Koran and said I was agnostic

I mean an atheist I cried

As I moved in for the kill

The wolves tumbled on

As they handed me the bill

They weren't impressed with my distinctions

I think you'll find

That I was up against persuasion

Of the religious kind

A lamb to the slaughter

A human sacrifice

I told their spiritual leader

His sceptre looked nice

I hid my skin my ear

But I was only grazed

I dived for cover

As the song of five was blazed

In the gore I gasped

Was this something I'd said?

Then a solid granite altar

Hit me on the head

A collection plate

Plunged into my groin

They marched off discussing

The battle of the boin

As I expired I was thinking

They'd been rather unkind

But I was up against persuasion

Of the religious kind

Bleeding and naked

I was somewhat at a loss

The goose of Martin was out drinking

At the sign of the cross

Recalling their question

I felt totally alone

As I peered out from underneath

The tablets of stone

In the gutter lay the crushed remains of a Bible

It proclaimed their grievances were purely tribal

They made me see the light

For that I offer my thanks

I was collared by the dogs

Now I've joined their ranks

Former Christian soldiers

I hope you don't mind

Being affected by religion

Of the persuasive kind

Now if you're busy doing some Irish coin

A politician's head stuck in the groin

And the army bell ringing as a grave you're stoned

I said someone's got to stand up

Or nothing's going to change

Till religion is rearranged