Smokers

I apologize if I seem a little tense tonight

I'm three months now without smoking and uh

Well

Thanks

But before you get too enthusiastic

I should tell you I didn't quit for my health

I quit because if I didn't I was gonna hit somebody

If I lit up one more cigarette and saw somebody do this

What is that?

It's like a booger fan

Just one time I wanted to light up a cigarette

And see somebody go "ugh" and just go "pow"

Oh God

I got off cigarettes by using the patches

I got off patches by smoking cigars

I got off cigars by doing crack

So I'm pretty much tobacco free now

I love cigar smokers

"Well it's not bad for you, you don't inhale"

That's like saying you dip but you don't spit

I had to quit, it's a whole different time now man

Even smokers are hiding their habit, you know

Like there's some other reason they're outside

In a snowstorm with no jacket, you know

What's up?

Remember when we were kids everybody smoked man

Preachers light up after a sermon

Little league coach would light up during the game

My dad used to smoke while putting gas in the car

'Cause apparently in 1969 gas wasn't flammable

This is the same man who every summer

I'll never forget this vision

He'd have a lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth

While he squirted lighter fluid on an already lit fire

And he could never figure out why every summer

He had no eyebrows and his hair was receding