Amish Paradise (Parody of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio)

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain

I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain

But that's just perfect for an Amish like me

You know, I shun fancy things like electricity

At 4:30 in the morning, I'm milkin' cows

Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool

And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that

Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone

I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline

Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin

But if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine

Then tonight, we're gonna party like it's 1699

We been spending most our lives

Livin' in an Amish paradise

I churned butter once or twice

Livin' in an Amish paradise

It's hard work and sacrifice

Livin' in an Amish paradise

We sell quilts at discount price

Livin' in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week

I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek

I really don't care, in fact I wish him well

'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in Hell

But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it

An Amish with a 'tude?

You know that's unheard of

I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat

And my homies agree I really look good in black, fool

If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears

We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years

But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare

We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar

Not a single luxury

Like Robinson Crusoe

It's as primitive as can be

We been spending most our lives

Livin' in an Amish paradise

We're just plain and simple guys

Livin' in an Amish paradise

There's no time for sin and vice

Livin' in an Amish paradise

We don't fight, we all play nice

Livin' in an Amish paradise

Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter

Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another

Think you're really righteous?

Think you're pure in heart?

Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art

I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like

On my knees day and night, scorin' points for the afterlife

So don't be vain and don't be whiny

Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your Heine

We been spending most our lives

Livin' in an Amish paradise

We're all crazy Mennonites

Livin' in an Amish paradise

There's no cops or traffic lights

Livin' in an Amish paradise

But you'd probably think it bites

Livin' in an Amish paradise