Letras
I do need to lose a little weight, I gotta tell you
I had a threesome last week and I was all by myself
Alright
You know it's bad when you go to the buffet
And they give you a restrictor plate
Alright
But it ain't healthy being big, I gotta tell you
Good lord, I went in for a checkup the other day
And the doctor said, "You need to lay off eggs"
I go, "Is my cholesterol bad?"
He said, "No, your farts are killing everybody in this room"
Don't eat in bed, that's not good for you, it's dangerous too
Good lord, I fell asleep with the fondue pot on last week
Woke up with third degree cheese burns on my testicles
I know I still ain't found the fondue forks
But I tried to lose weight, it's tough
Went jogging last week
I didn't want to, my car broke down in a crappy neighborhood
I lost eight pounds in my rims
I hate the gym, that's one thing I hate doing
I always get all sweaty and hot
And my Hershey bar melts in my back pocket I got in there
Looks like I crapped myself doing squats halfway through there
Don't eat before you go to the gym, that ain't good
I had some kettle corn before I went to the gym
Got on the row machine
Started getting the popcorn farts on the row machine in there
I ain't kidding, it sounded like a tugboat after 27 minutes
I went to wipe it off with a towel and the guy running the place goes
"Just keep at it and take that home
With you right there, you do the escape thing"
Boy, they're nice in here
I hate them fancy exercises
Anybody ever do any Pilates?
You've done Pilates?
Yeah, I ain't never done no Pilates
In college, I did a lot of Pilates
That's that, I don't care who you are
That's funny right there, now that's good
Thank you
My wife said, "You ought to try yoga"
I'm like, "If I was that limber
I wouldn't need a wife for God's sake, that's ridiculous"
Well, it's hard to lose
My whole family's big, so it runs in the family, I'll tell you what
We're the reason Cracker Barrel got a gift shop in my family
I ain't kidding you
They built that to keep them all occupied
While they restocked the kitchen in there
My sister's a big son of a bitch, Good Lord
I'm telling you, she blowing up like a tick on Dracula, my sister
Dairy Queen got a restraining order out on her this year
My favorite restaurants is
Waffle House and Danny's, that's right, I love them
Did you know Waffle House
Just celebrated their 50th anniversary? Unbelievable
And while I was in there, the steak I was eating celebrated its 25th
Don't eat steak at the Waffle House
If you do you'll be pooping colors Sherman Williams ain't heard of
I'll tell you that much
Boy, it'll kill you
I like them nice fancy steak houses is what I like
I went to a real nice one the other day and the waitress goes
All our meat is hand rubbed
I'm like what a coincidence
Nothing beats Denny's though
That's all American restaurant right there, I like that
You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's
And then go to the toilet and sit in there so long
You gotta order lunch from the stool, you ever do that?
Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam breakfast
You gonna poop four times before you leave Denny's
My grandma can't handle that food in there
She had a Moons Over My Hammy one time
We was driving home and she got the bubbling up in there
Oh, she farted so hard the side airbag imploded
An onstar told us to get out
And do a tuck and roll in the median out there
They thought the engine exploded on the Mercury's fire
Pizza Hut, she can't handle either
Boy, that Pizza Hut
Pizza Hut pissed me off the other day
Remember they had this thing called Cheesy Bites at Pizza Hut
All it was was cheese
This is how lazy we've become as a society
They had this thing called Cheesy Bites
Charged about 50 cents more than a regular piece of pizza
But all it was was a little cheese in the crust
But they cut the crust up into
Little pieces to make it easier to get to your mouth
That's all it is, they cut it up, that's how lazy we are
And I'll tell you something else about cheesy bites, they're delicious
My grandma likes them cheesy bites