Doc's Talking Blues

I've got a little tale I'd like to tell to you

Fun and foolishness and some of it's true

There's some of it bad and some of it nice

And there's a little of it just plain old advice

That is to you young'uns that's a-thinking about getting married

You can take some advice from an old hand

'Cause I jumped the broomstick a long time ago

I got in awful late the other night

Me and my wife had the dernedest fight

She pulled my hair and then mashed my nose

Kicked my shins and stomped my toes

That woman was mad at me

Trouble of it was she waited 'til I got

My shoes off before she started anything

You know that ingrown toenail still hurts

I was a-going down the road in my Model T

When a big chicken got in front of me

I'd kill that rooster right there on the spot

And I figured well that's the only one the old man's got

So I'd better go back and see about it

I drove right up to the edge of his yard

He's a-choppin' wood, a-working awful hard

I looked the old man right square in the face

And I says sir your rooster I'd like to replace

And he looked at me kinda puzzled for a minute and said

Son, start crowing

I was a-pulling up turnips down on my knees

When I stirred up a nest of some kind of bees

And about three dozen got in my pants

And it wasn't very long 'til I began to dance

I was a-doin' the shimmy and the shake at the same time

You know that's nearly enough to make

A feller run off and leave his britches

And that's just what I done

Couldn't help it

I was standing in the corner by the mantelpiece

And right over my head sat a bottle of grease

I greased my feet with some of that grease

And went slipping along under that mantelpiece

Hunting cigarette duds, I wanted to do the job quick

Found some birch toothbrushes but the girls had dipped all the snuff

There wasn't a swipe left

Make up the beds gals, make 'em up nice