Letras
If you're an adult, and you're planning to wear a costume on Halloween
... Don't! I will find you. I will hurt you. I don't know why it was
Deemed to be a necessity among a group of adults that for some reason
They didn't grow out of childhood. It's not an adult holiday. It's
A holiday for children. That's who it's for. I don't even know why
We celebrate it in New York. It's a harvest holiday, and we don't
Harvest shit! It's a holiday for children, because children want to
Dress up all the time, and you have to go, "Nope, this is the night
So shut the fuck up!" You're an adult, and you can put on a costume
Whenever you want. You don't need permission anymore. If you wake up
Next Tuesday and you feel like being Batman, go for it! You go into
Work, the boss says, "Who are you?" And you go... "I am Batman!
That's who I am. Who are you?" But nothing proves just how dumb we
Are collectively as a people, nothing proves it more than candy corn
Candy corn... But using the word "candy" to describe it is wrong
Using the word "corn" is wrong. It does not taste like candy nor
Corn. It tastes like something that was made out of oil. You could
Take all the bags of candy corn and actually, if you melted them
Down, you could run a car. It is one of the shittiest tastes I've
Ever had in my mouth. All the candy corn that was ever made was made
In 1914. They never had to make it again. We never eat enough of it
We only eat two or three or four pieces apiece. And so, literally
After Halloween, the candy corn companies send out their minions
A word I've never really had the opportunity to use. And they go
From garbage can to garbage can and collect the corn and throw it
Back in the bags. And it appears next year. I will never forget the
First time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, "Louis, this is
Corn, and it tastes like candy." "Oh, boy! This tastes like shit!"
My mother's fucking with me! So I grabbed another, and it tasted
Like shit, too. And every year since then, Halloween returns, and I
Like an Alzheimer's patient, find myself in a room, and there's a
Table, and on that table is a bowl filled with candy corn for no
Apparent reason. And I look at it, and even though I've seen it over
And over and over again, it is as if I am seeing it for the first
Time. "Candy corn," I think. "Corn that tastes like candy. God
I can't wait! Son of a bitch!" And then I grab another, and I eat
Just the yellow part, believing somehow that's the corn part. And
Then I take two more pieces, and I shove them in my teeth like this
And I am Dracula. That is why, and this Halloween will come, and
Those of you who are parents and know, absolutely know, that this
Candy tastes like shit will give it to your children. And so it goes
From generation to generation to generation. We the people pass on a
Legacy of shit. And then you wonder why we can't elect a good leader!