Spooky over Sodomy

Things. They look like a rat went to the fair and got a caricature of

Himself or some shit. That's scary shit. Teeth and claws, and rabies

That scares you. Ghosts, they're ghosts. Because nobody dies of

Ghosts. There's no coroner reports out there, oh, looks like another

Ghost attack, Johnny. They're ghosts. If you watch those shows, real

Ghosts are pretty boring. Like, it's not like the movies. If some

Shit happened at your house, like Poltergeist, I could see a reason

To call the fucking Discovery Channel. Yeah, we had a house and a

Daughter, now we don't. It's never like that. Real ghosts don't do

Shit. It's like somebody bitching about their keys. Somebody's keys

Always move. I put my keys right there, but now they're right there

Oh, well you better get the fuck out of there, then. You can't live

In a house with sliding fucking keys everywhere. I mean, what if the

Counter gets scratched? Run. I'm not afraid to wake up to my keys

Moving. I'm afraid to wake up to a real threat, something that could

Actually do some harm. Like if I wake up at night, I look up, I see

A naked guy with a machete and a boner, now I'm fucking scared. Like

That's the type of shit, like this is not gonna end well, is it?

I don't like either one of those options. Guess I'd probably pick

The machete if you gave me the choice, but I definitely shouldn't go

Back to sleep at this point, I know that. I don't think he's gonna

Give up on me or that boner that fast. And he doesn't seem to be

Afraid of the little girl on the rocking horse, either. So I should

Probably put some shoes on, because I got a lot of running and

Screaming to do tonight. I need my keys. Fuck, who moved my keys?

That's scary shit. I guess everybody's afraid of different shit, you

Know. Everybody has their -- I'm afraid of the ocean, I won't go in

The ocean. I've lived in LA for 13 years, I'm not going in the ocean

Fucking sharks live there. And I don't care what your statistics are

I have a TV, too. Oh, you have a better chance of winning the lottery

If you get eaten by a shark. Oh thanks, you know you have no chance

Of winning the lottery if you don't play the fucking lottery. Same

Thing goes for the shark sweepstakes. You gotta be in it to win it

Everybody that's ever been eaten by a shark, they all have one thing

In common, they were all fucking wet when that shit happened. It's a

Very easy thing to avoid. I'm not going in. I was doing a show in

Guam. I mean, because it wasn't like a military show, it was just for

Guam. They were like, you wanna go to Guam? I'm like, does Guam want

Me to come there? I guess. But I was doing a show there and my wife

Was like, they had scuba diving tours next door, and she's like

I wanna go scuba diving. I'm like, I'll hold your stuff, but I'm not

Going. You ever see that movie Open Water? It's a shitty movie

But it's based on a true story. The couple went scuba diving

They just left them there. And they must've really loved each

Other, too, because the guy gets bit by a shark and his wife

Just hangs out with him. I don't care who you are, as soon as

You start bleeding, that's when I start drifting away. Ow, my

Leg hurts. I bet it does. Where you going? Oh, I just wanted to

See if there were boats over here. I just thought maybe we should

Split up at this point, you know, you take where the water's red

And I'll get the rest of the sea. I think it's a good plan. I