Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible

Epic Rap Battles of History

Alexander the Great

Versus Ivan the Terrible, begin

Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving

Try to serve Ivan, no surviving

You're a Land Rover, I'm a land expander

Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander

I'll school you like Aristotle

Smack you harder than you hit that bottle

You're nothing but an overrated lush, I'll crush ya

I'm the first tsar of all of Russia

You're an asshole with an anastole

I'm heaven-sent, divine and holy

So don't even try to approach the God

Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod

Hey, fella, swell diss

But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed

Stepping up's foolish, as well as useless

Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list

I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia

Breezed through Gaza to Giza

Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq

And Pakistan in my expansion pack

While you died in the middle of a game of chess

You got vodka bars flavorless

And what I'm 'bout to spit will be the craziest

So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed

Kudos, Greek for the glory I got

From winning every single war that I fought

So this will be straight-forward

I'll take up this sword that I brought

And slice you in half like the Gordian knot

And I'll soar to the top like the eagle

Whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore

As I swatted my many enemies, shattered 'em like a porcelain pot

And they'd be praying for the torture to stop (ah!)

But I would leave 'em contorted, and they'd be screaming and roaring

Until their vocal cords were torn up and shot

And I would holler, "Bucephalus", hop on my horsey and trot

I win, Ivan, I vanquish, I'm an immortal, you're not

Enough

I don't stand a chance against your skills

На здоровье, a drink to your victory

Yes, I will

It seems no one can defeat me

I weep, it's all so easy

Ooh, what's wrong? I feel a bit queasy

Ha, you've been poisoned

Oh, the pain is unbearable

My stomach's riddled with holes

Ugh, I'm terrible

There's no great who could defeat this Russian

Psst, what about a flute-busting Prussian?

(Old Fritz, Old Fritz)

(Old Fritz, Old Fritz)

(Old Fritz, Old Fritz)

(Old Fritz, Old Fritz)

I'm Frederick the Great, out the gate, first servant of state

Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight

I've got creative talents and battle malice

Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace

Russia's fucked up, but no wonder why

With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my

I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes

If I had to look at your troll face every night

Now, bring me my chair

I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square

Fought a Seven Years' War, I ain't scared of a tsar

'Cause beating you only took me 12 bars

Oh, what a humiliating defeat

I know when I am beat

So, of course, take a seat

I'd keep ripping you to shreds, but I'll take a break instead

And just rest my little head, why don't you drop dead, Fred?

Hmm, my expectations were a lot higher

But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire

It's another great day and another great victory

'Cause no great can beat me

What about me, Pompey? Yeah

Macedonians, Prussians, and Romans

Those aren't worthy opponents

It takes a Russian to take down a Russian

I'm Cath, I'm a cat, you're a rodent

How are you the head of our state

When the state of your head was such a crazy one?

Such sick shit going through your brain

That you stuck a spike through your own son (ooh)

You're unbalanced, like I unbalanced

The European powers with the wars I waged

I brought the Russian Empire

Straight out the olden days and right into the golden age

I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with

This whole battle's like Alaska, 'cause I settled it

Mmm, what a beautiful queen to beat me in a battle

"Accept this gift, Your Highness", I hear you

Enjoy the saddle

That horse story is a pile of shit

Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit

But you're never gonna get it, нет

Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette

I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off

Bringing sexy back to House Romanov

So don't call me "Queen", I'm far more great

Empress to tsar 8, bitch, checkmate

Who won?

Who's next?

You decide

Epic

Rap Battles of History