Kindergarten

Right." No such luck. She brought out a box and gave us each an old

Dried up, brown, nasty tasting, gag you, stick in the throat graham

Cracker. And you gotta pray for something to wash it down. "Please

We're gonna die if you don't give us something soon. We got the

Hiccoughs and everything. Please!" She said, "Certainly." Went over

Got a case of milk that's been sitting on the radiator for about 80

Years. Nothing in the world better for a bunch of five year old kids

Than good old lukewarm, curdly milk. Yes, sir, we loved it. And the

Straws in kindergarten are the worst things in the world. Worst

Straws I've ever seen. They're good for one suck. You -sucks- and

That's it. Flat as a piece of paper. You're sitting up there -sucks

. Then to top it off she says, "Okay, it's time for a nap." Yeah

There's nobody in the world anymore wide awake at 11 o'clock in the

Morning than a bunch of five year old kids. 23 kids on 23 cots

Sleeping wide awake. Only one sleeping is the teacher. She's gone.

Snores- Thank God for this break, boy, I tell you that. I graduated

From that into the first grade. I always wanted to get into the first

Grade because you have your own desk in the first grade and that's

Just a part of being cool, man. Yeah, because I remember there was

One guy that was just as old as the rest of us and his name was

Richard, man. Richard was cool 'cause he had his own desk. They

Skipped Richard because he could tie his own tie, you know. Yeah

They used to bring him up, bring him up before the assembly programs

And the president of the school would say, "Alright, we will now have

Richard tie his tie for you." "Yeah! Yes, yeah, go, Rich, yeah." Rich

Was cool, man. We used to pass by the room, man, and peep in the

First grade and see 'em all in there sitting at their desk. You could

See Rich. We'd try to make Rich laugh. We'd make faces at him. "Hey

Rich!" -gagging noises- Rich is scared to laugh 'cause he'd get a

Beating, you know. Now I got my own desk. -makes trumpet noise

I love this desk. Of course they all look alike but I gotta find out

How to find my own. Of course I don't want anybody to know that I'm

Not cool finding my desk. And I sit down at my desk and look around

I know this is my desk 'cause I sit in front of Crying Charlie

Crying Charlie's got the coolest cry in the world, man. You can't

Hardly hear him or nothing. He just opens up his mouth and -makes

Crying noise- and tears roll down his face and everything, yeah

I know this is it 'cause I sit in front of him. So every time I come

Into the room I just look for Crying Charlie and I sit right in front

Of him. Of course if Crying Charlie's absent I don't know where I'm

Gonna sit, you know. Crying Charlie's absent, I go to his house and

Sit in front of him. Yeah, gotta fold my hands on top of the desk so

The teacher'll know what I'm doing. Got some initials on the top of

The desk here. Somebody carved 'em all the way through to the floor

So when you write on your paper you rip it. Got an inkwell, yeah

Boy, they still don't trust us though. No ink in it. Afraid we'll

Drink it. And I would too, man. Ink is cool to drink, boy. You drink

Ink about 3:25, go home with a blue tongue. Used to make my mother

Faint. "Ma?" "Yeah?" "Look." -makes vomiting noise- My mother was

Cool, Rich. She would faint for anything, boy. I used to get hit in

The head with a rock, cover up the blood, wait 'til I get right up on

Her. "Ma, look!" -makes vomiting noise- Way to go, Ma, cool, yeah

She got me back one day though. I was playing with my navel. Yeah

Oh, navel, navel, navel. My mother said, "Alright, keep playing with

Your navel. Pretty soon you're gonna break it wide open, the air is

Gonna come right out of your body, you'll fly around the room

Backwards for 30 seconds, land, you'll be flat as a piece of paper

Nothing but your little eyes bugging out. Keep it up." I used to

Carry band-aids with me in case I'd have an accident.You gotta learn

To write in the first grade now. They give you this paper, grade

Triple Z. Grade triple Z paper with wood still in it. Big hunks of

Wood still floating around in it. You gotta write around the hunks

Of wood. And the lines are about eight feet apart. They don't want

You to miss getting in between them lines, man. Don't want you to

Start crying. They give you these pencils as big as a horse's leg

And you rest 'em on your shoulder as you write. "A, B, may I have

Another piece of paper please? I really messed up. I... I..."

I learned the correct procedure for going to the bathroom in the

First grade. You just don't raise your hand and, you know, say "May

I be excused?" You have to let one finger go up if you wanna do one

Thing. If you wanna do anything else, you have to let it see two

Fingers. In case of a tie, two wins out over one. For the longest

Time I told the truth. If I had to go -psh-, "Yo, one." And then one

Day it hit me. I was in the bathroom playing the soapdish game

Seven-nothing, favor me. And it hit me, "Now what's she gotta know

What I'm in here doing for?" It's none of her business whether I'm

One-in' it or two-in' it. That's why they put doors on the bathroom

So nobody'll know if you're one-in' it or two-in' it in here

And it's not bad enough that the teacher knows I'm one-in' it

The whole class knows I'm one-in' it. You go back in the classroom

People say "How was it?" "Won it." -pshoo- So I just started

Lying after that. You know, "Hey," if I had the one, "Won

Heheheh" they'd think I'm one-in' it. Then I felt guilty and

I'd go back and tell the truth. "You know that one?" "Yes." "

It was really a two." She wrote it down in a book. "Bill Cosby

Did two twos and three ones today." I got an A in bathroom-going