Speaking of online, uh
I was at my wife's computer recently, right, and, ah
Was playing this game on her computer
I like to play called "Guess the Password"
You guys ever play that?
It comes pre-installed on most people's computers
And so
I'm, uh
I see immediately, right, I'm on her desktop
And I see immediately this email that she got
And I saw this email
And first, on, on a side note, um
If you wanna make a trillion dollars
Let me just throw this out to the world
And then if you make a trillion dollars on it
You have to like, shoot me some cash
Somebody needs to invent like, some kind of Bluetooth-y thing
Where as a guy, you can be on a website
And to change that website, all you have to do is go, "urgh-urgh"
That would be nice, because I swear she sneaks up behind me
And I can't get to the mouse quick enough
And she's, "What are you clicking out of?
You're always clicking out of something
Every time I walk by, what were you on?"
And then that way I can go, "Urgh, urgh, urgh"
And then savetheworld.org pops up
Okay, that's a side note, right?
So I, I see this receipt is on my wife's computer
And at first, I think my wife went to a hunting store, okay?
Hear me out
'Cause I see this receipt
And I see the first thing she bought, right?
I see she bought a bullet, which is weird, right?
Because I'm like
I'm a gun guy, why would she buy one bullet?
And that seems like a pretty pricey caliber bullet, right?
Then, underneath that, I see she bought a rabbit
And I'm like, wow
I, I don't see any cages, why, why is she buying a rabbit?
Is she gonna try to kill the rabbit with the bullet that she bought?
So, uh
For all the men staring at me blankly right now
As you hear pockets full of women laughing, um
Those are names of vibrators, right?
Yeah, and underneath that, I see this other thing
I see my wife bought this thing called a penis-making kit
Familiar? Are you familiar? No? (Yeah)
Right? So, I, and the problem, people, with snooping is this
If you snoop, whatever evidence you find isn't admissible in court
So you run the risk of finding some good stuff, but you can't bring it out
So I had to bring this up to her nonchalantly
Like at dinner, I'm like, "Hey, um
Have you ever think about making like a birdhouse
Or a penis or anything like that?"
She said, "Uh, did you see the, the
Did you see the receipt for the penis-making kit?"
I'm like, "Yeah, what's a-, what's a penis-making kit?"
And apparently, fellas, it's this mold
Where you, they, they make a mold of the penis (whoa!)
And then afterwards they do with it what they like
Maybe a door stopper, um (yeah!)
Maybe some bookends or something, I don't know
I didn't get technical, right?
I'm like, "Well, you had this thing hidden
So whose penis were you gonna make a mold of?"
She's like, "Yours", I'm like, "But you had to tell me
What were you going to do, get me drunk
And I'd wake up with paper mache all over my balls
Or something like that?"
Like, you're not making a mold of my penis for several reasons
Here's one of 'em
Not sticking my penis anywhere close to
Any crazy Easy-Bake oven-looking thing
And you're not making a mold of my penis
Because you like to jib-jab
And all your girlfriends are going to come over
And they're going to be like, "So how'd the penis turn out?"
And you're going to show 'em
And if I'm not there to defend myself
I would like to be there to go, "Yeah, uh-huh
Yeah, I think she let it cook way too long, don't you?"