Sunday Driver

Well I've been a Sunday driver noo for many's a happy year

And I've never had my Morris Minor oot o' second gear

I can drive at fifty miles an hoor on motorway or track

With me wife up front beside me and her mother in the back

There was me and my daddy and my daddy's mammy

And her sister's Granny and four of her chums

And Auntie Jean

In a crowd of fifty trippers you can always pick me oot

By my Don't blame me, I voted Tory sticker on the boot

Wi' my bunch of heather stickin' in ma radiator grille

And me stick-on transfer bullet holes and licence for tae kill

There was me and my daddy and my daddy's mammy

And her sister's Granny and four of her chums

And Auntie Peg

I've a hundred plastic pennants for to tell you where I've been

And my steering wheel is clad in simulated leopard-skin

Up front fae the drivin' mirror hangs a plastic skeleton

And in the back a dog wi' eyes that flicker off and on!

There was me and my daddy and my daddy's mammy

And her sister's Granny and four of her chums

And Auntie May

I always drive as though my foot was restin' on the brake

And I weave aboot the road just so's ye cannae overtake

I can get ye sae frustrated that ye'll finish up in tears

And the sound of blarin' motor horns is music to my ears!

There was me and my daddy and my daddy's mammy

And her sister's Granny and four of her chums

And Auntie Liz

Now if ye wonder how these weekly trips I can afford

It's because I'm on a stipend from the Scottish Tourist Board

You're supposed tae enjoy the scenery, the finest of it's kind

And that is why I have a convoy followin' behind!

There was me and my daddy and my daddy's mammy

And her sister's Granny and four of her chums

And Auntie Rose

There's just no way of escaping me, no matter how ye seek

For the simple fact that I'm a traffic warden through the week

I'm boostin' my efficiency, and here's my master plan

I'm savin' up my pennies for to buy a Caravan