T-Ball and Indian Guides

Believer that parents should not be allowed at their kid's baseball

Game, 'cause they don't know how to act. And I'll give you a great

Example. These kids are five years old. They're getting a ball hit

At them at 90 miles an hour. They got one thought: get out of the

Way. They got a glove that's as big as their head, but that's just

For balance, trust me. I heard a guy yelling at his son, he goes "

Hey, don't be afraid of that ball, it's not gonna bite you!" And

You could just see the kid's mind thinking "Jesus, it's got teeth?!

So I get my little Power Rangers out on the field, and I'm like "

Alright Power Rangers, everybody listen up. Ball gets hit to you

What do you do?" They go "Throw to first base." And I go "Excellent

" First batter up drills the ball, hits our pitcher in the leg, he

Drops, he's crying. So I go run out on the field, I go "Hey Jimmy

Come on, shake it off, man. It was an accident, just an accident."

But like every little kid, his first words were "He did it on

Purpose!" And I go "No, he didn't, come on." Well then here comes

Jimmy's mom out of the stands. Oh, the moose is loose on the field!

"Oh, my baby, my baby, my baby!" And I'm trying to calm her down

I'm like "Hey, hey, hey! Mrs. Jimmy's Mom. If you keep hollering

He's gonna keep crying." She goes "He did it on purpose!" I go "

Yes, ma'am, he did. That little five-year-old boy was sitting on

The bench, I heard him. He said 'Somebody get me a helmet and a

Metal bat, that kid is ticking me off!'" So I get everybody settled

Down, I get Jimmy's mom back in the stands, I go "Alright, Power

Rangers, everybody listen up. Ball gets hit to you, what do you do?

" They go "Throw to first base." I go "Excellent." Next batter up

Drills the ball to the outfield, the entire team runs to the

Outfield. It's like herding chickens. And these games go on forever

Why? 'Cause everybody can hit, but nobody can catch. Me and the

Other dads came up with street rules. Six errors, that's an out

You know? If a kid catches a hot grounder and holds it up for

His parents to see, two outs. If half the team's crying and the

Other half's peed their pants, game over, snow cones for everybody

And now my son and I have joined this group called Indian Guides. Now

Indian Guides is a group that was founded through the YMCA. Yeah

It's a great group. It was founded to foster the bond between a

Father and his son, until the son is old enough to be taken to a bar

Alright? And every Monday night, we go and we dress up like Indians

And we learn about the Native American Indian style. It's like

Halloween every Monday night. And we all have names, like there's

A guy in our group who sells tires, his name is Big Wheel. His son's

Name is Little Wheel. I'm a comedian, my name is Big Laughs, my

Son's name is Little Laughs. Now the problem is, we live in Los

Angeles, so we have to go to the Hollywood chapter, which is

Different. Our leader's name is Dances With Men, alright? And

Obviously he doesn't have a son, so he brings his nephew Flaming Bow

Nice kid. And it's really cool, we go to these meetings and you have

To like talk in Indian sign language, and I learned some, I'll teach

It to you. If you put your hand over your heart and move your hand

Like this, this means "hello." If you extend your arm and raise your

Hand, this means "goodbye." If you put your thumb to your lower lip

And go like this, this means "I need another beer." And the kids

Are involved in this. There's a kid who's the Indian drummer, he

Opens the ceremony by banging the ceremonial drum, and he closes the

Ceremony by banging the ceremonial drum. There's a kid who's the

Indian runner. His job is when he sees a dad go like this, go to the

Cooler. So we go to our first meeting and they want you to sit Indian

Style. Remember Indian style when you sit with your legs crossed on

Them? Well, my legs don't bend that way anymore. So I'm kind of

Kicked back in the reclining position

Well, here comes Dances With Men

"Excuse me, I don't believe that's the way the Indians said."

And I'm thinking, "I don't believe that's

The way the Indians talk, neither."

I got a really hard time picturing Sitting Bull in his teepee

And going, "It's been many moons since we smoked the peace pipe."

Sit up straight!

And because of Dancing With Men, our tribe is a little

Different. Like at our first jamboree, other tribes are

Reenacting Custer's last stand, we sang Barbra Streisand songs

But we went on our first campout and it was really

Cool, we took the kids to the Grand Canyon '

Cause we were gonna study the Arizona Indians

So the night before our trip down into the canyon, we're all

Around this campfire, we got our tents set up and, and

Dancing With Men is telling us all about the next day's trip

And he goes up in front and goes, "Alright braves, everyone listen

Up. Now tomorrow, you need to be very, very careful. Because

There's snakes. And there's one called the pink rattlesnake."

And I'm just, "Hmmm!"

I go, "Dancing With Men," I go, "A-a pink rattlesnake?"

And he goes, "Yes, Big Lass, and they're

Just as poisonous as the diamondbacks."

And I turned to my son, I said, "But they're really

Easy to spot. You can hear 'em in the bushes going, '

Hiss, hiss!' If you step on me, I'll bite you, I swear!"