Letras
Just a drop of neck oil. Got this stiff neck from sleeping near an old
French widow. I'm going all heavy now, me. Started getting into the
Uh... Bring back memories, that, doesn't it, eh? Doesn't it bring
Back memories or what, eh? The dance hall. Used to go to the dance
Hall, me. And me, I never wore glasses, you know, 'cause I was very
Vain about my personal appearance. I thought I was really good
Looking, so I never wore glasses. I used to go to the dance hall with
My mate. Now my mate was a good looking lad, really good looking lad
You know. And, uh, we used to go there together, and I used to leave
My glasses in my pocket, man. I borrowed this suit off my brother and
I used to press it under the bed and all these things, so as soon as
I walked in, you got the ultraviolet lights and big blue strips that
Pick out anything white and I look as if I was coming through a snow
Storm in the middle of summer, like. And we used to sit down there in
The darkness watching that bowl full of mirrors in the middle
Waiting for it to drop on someone and kill 'em, you know. And I used
To say to my mate, I used to sit there and sort of leer into the
Darkness and say things like "Get us a good'un. Pick us a good'un
Out, go on, Gits, pick us a good'un out." "What's that one like over
There with the red jacket on?" "He's conducting the band, you pillock
." "Oh. What about that one all in black over there?" "That's one of
The bouncers." I went out with more bouncers than anybody else in our
Street. And eventually we'd get up and, you know, the same routine
Every week, you know. "Are you dancing?" "Are you asking?" "I'm
Asking." "Alright, I'm dancing." Or "I'm not dancing," whatever it
Was, you know. So you get up there, shuffling round. There's only two
Things I've ever noticed about girls in dance halls. The first one is
That if one of them gets up to go to the loo, all her mates go with
Her. They never go on their own. The one that gets up, she puts her
Handbag over her arm, says "I'm going now, are you coming? Do you
Wanna... Are you coming, eh? You going?" "Going to the lavatory?" "
Yes, come on." And a dozen of them go off at once. It perplexed me for
A great number of years, that did. I finally worked it out. The seats
Are very high in there, they've gotta lift each other on and off
Like, give 'em a leg-up. And the other thing I've noticed about
Ladies in dance halls, if you get two dancing together, you always
Get a nice one and a tug. I went out with so many tugs, used to call
Me the Queen Mary round our way. I was up there one night giving it
Rice with Gits and me, and he's dancing with this, uh, drink on a
Stick he's got. What a bargain he's got. And me, I've come in last in
The sack race again, haven't I? This one I've got has got a wimpy
Jacket on and steel toe cap boots. The birds are building nests in
Her hair, she's that bloody tall. She's got the biggest pair of
Bazooms I've ever seen. It's like dancing under a cliff. In the end
I stood on her boots and let her carry me round, I thought, "Bugger
It." So I thought "There's no way the chatsby bit is gonna work this
Evening, is it?" Eh? You can't give it the mouth business 'cause I'm
Shouting up the hill. "Hellooooo!" And I thought "Get straight in
Give it a wobbly," you know what I mean? "Get stuck in, don't mess
About, none of the chatsby." I said "Hello, up there!" She said "
What?" I said "Do you drop 'em?" She said "Not usually, but you talked
Me into it." I thought "That's fair enough." So I took her home that
Night on the tandem. She's on both saddles and I'm sat on her
Shoulders. We got to these flats where she lived. She lived in these
Flats, the Smedley flats in Manchester. And it makes Colditz look
Like Butlins. And we get there, and the whole place, you could smell
Ribs and cabbage for miles round, you know what I mean? I love ribs
And cabbage, and it's Friday night, I've had a few bevies. And we
Get up the stairs, they're treading on all the dead dogs instead of
Carpet. Used to have dead dogs on the stairs. And we get in the flat
There, and we open the door, and her dad's there. Get introduced to
Him. What an incredible bloke. Huge, one eye right in the middle
You know what I mean? Great big fella. So he shakes hands, breaks all
The fingers. "I'm very pleased to meet you." She said "We're just
Going in the kitchen, Dad, to make some coffee." He says "Righto,"
And he's watching the dot on the screen, doesn't know it's gone off
He's got no eyelids. Thinks it's another program, you know. So we get
In the kitchen there, and mind me, I've read all these books about
How to get, you know, how to get ladies aroused and things like that
You know. 'Cause I'm into all that, me, you know. And we get in
There, and she's sat up against the gas stove, like. Got the kettle
On, there's a big pan of ribs and cabbage bubbling away there
Great big sheet of ribs and all the cabbage round it. So I get a
Chair, and I pull the chair up to the side of her, and I stand on
This chair, and I... And page one of this, I got this book called
The Perfumed Allotment, you know. And page one is, you start by
Breathing heavy in their ear, blowing in their ear, and it sort
Of turns you on like madness, you know what I mean? So I'm there
I've got my mouth right up on her lug hole, I'm going -blowing
And there's a big pink bubble coming out the other side, like
And she's starting to float away a bit, you know, and I thought
. I thought "I better give it a swerve with this," you know. So
Lesson two, like, lesson two, page two, is you start tickling the
Back of the neck. And that is it, I mean, that is the real monty
That's the works, that is.So I'm giving it the neck business aren't I
Fingers like an epileptic spider up and down her neck
And it says you're to work your way gradually down the spine
Until eventually they're like putty in your hands you see
So I'm going up, down, up, down
I thought here we go, this is it, in
For quids, full house bingo, here we go
Thwump, and I run my hand straight down right in the ribs and cabbage
Argh
I pull them out and I've got seven fingers
And I can't tell which is the ribs and
Which is mine, you know, they're all red
And the dad come flying in the kitchen, he said
Hey, is she bothering you, her?
Come straight up to her, nutted her on the nose, boomf, like that
She got a face full of dandruff, he said, you leave him alone, you
He said, you better get going while
You're still in one piece, sunshine
I said, no, I'm alright
He said, go on while you're still in one piece, he said, get home
I said, are you sure? He says, yeah, go on
Oh, I thought, alright
I was really disappointed, you know, because
The things were just starting to happen
And she showed me downstairs and I thought, well, I've
Never been thrown out before, I'm gonna get my own back here
And it'd been snowing while I was upstairs
And the craft in front of Smelly Flats
Like, it was all, looked lovely
Looked like a Christmas card, it was great, you know
All the old prams and that had all been covered up, you know
And I thought, right, I'm gonna get my own
Back now, I'm gonna whittle in the snow
And I'm gonna write my name in rude words to that bloke, so I'm there
Whittling in the snow, see
And I wrote Michael Christopher Beauregard
Damien Aloysius Gregory Harding
And I went back and dotted all the I's and that
And I didn't know, I didn't know, but her dad
Was watching out of the balcony, wasn't he?
And he's watching and he's saying, hey, mother
That bloke that our Frida's brought home, he's whittling
In the snow and he's written his name in whittle
She said, well, you know what, lads
I like you, you're a lad yourself, what?
He said, aye, he said, but that's our Frida's handwriting
That is, he said, it's all sloping backwards
It's true, that