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Hey Abbott!
What do you want, Costello?
I understand that you're going to be the manager
Of the Luke Costello Junior Youth Foundation Baseball Team
Yes, we just organised the thing
Oh you did (sure)
I'd like to play on the team myself you know, I know something about baseball
That can be accomplished
Well, I gotta know some of the guy's names on the team
So when I'm in on my swing in the ball park, I can say hello to them
Christ, surely I'll introduce you to them boys
You know, strange as it may seem, they give these ball players nowadays
Very peculiar names
Any funny names? (Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean)
His brother Daffy? (Daffy Dean) And the French cousin (French cousin)
Goofe (Goofe)
Well, now let's see, we have on the bags
We have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third
That's what I want to find out (what silly names)
I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third
Are you the manager? (Yes)
And you don't know the fellows' names? (Well I should)
Well then who's on first? (Yes)
I mean the fellow's name (that's it)
That's Who? (Yeah)
Go ahead and tell me (Who)
The guy on first (Who)
The first baseman (Who)
Have you got a first baseman? (Who is on first)
I'm asking you who's on first
That's the man's name
That's whose name? (Yes)
Well tell me who's on first (That's right)
I wanna know what's the guy's name on first base (no, no)
Now what's on second base
I'm not asking you who's on second
Who's on first (I don't know.)
He's on third, now we're not mentioning third
Now how did I get on third base?
You happened to mention his name
If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
No. Who's playing first
I'm not asking you who's on first (Who is on first)
I'm asking you, what's the guy's name on third?
What's on second (Who's on second)
Who's on first (I don't know), he's on Third
There I go, back on third again!
You gotta first baseman? (Absolutely)
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Every dollar of it
Why not, the man's entitled to it? (Who is?)
Yeah (so who gets it?)
Sure he does
Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it
Who's wife? (Yes)
All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base
Listen, What is on second base
I'm not asking you who's on second
Who's on first
I don't know (Third base)
You gotta outfield? (Yes, surely)
The left fielder's name? (Why)
I just thought I'd ask you
Well, I just thought I'd tell ya
Then tell me who's playing left field
Who's playing first
Stay out of the infield!
I want to know what's the left field's name?
What is on second
I'm not asking you who's on second
Who's on first! (I don't know)
Third base!
The left fielder's name?
Why
Because!
Oh, he's center field
Look, you know these players as well as I do
Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?
Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?
The pitcher's name?
Tomorrow
You don't want to tell me today?
I'm telling you now
Then go ahead (Tomorrow!)
What time? (What time what?)
What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Now listen, who is not pitching
I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!
I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
What's on second (I don't know)
Gotta catcher? (Surely)
The catcher's name? (Today)
Today, and tomorrow's pitching
Now you've got it (now I've got it?)
I don't even - look, all we got is a couple of days on the team
I can't help that, don't get excited now
Who's getting excited?
Take it easy, take it easy
You know I'm a pretty good catcher myself
So they tell me
Now I catch Today myself, how 'bout that
Tomorrow's pitching on my team
Now Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up front bunts the ball
Now when he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher
I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base
So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Now that's the first thing you've said right
I don't even know what I'm talking about!
That's all you have to do
Is to throw the ball to first base (yes!)
Now who's got it?
Naturally
If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it
Now who has it?
Naturally
Naturally?
Naturally
Oh, so I throw the ball to Naturally
No you do nothing of the kind, you throw the ball to Who
Naturally (that's different.)
That's what I said
No you didn't, you didn't
I throw the ball to Naturally (but you don't)
I throw it to Who? (Naturally)
That's what I said!
I throw the ball to who?
Naturally (you ask me)
You throw the ball to who? (Naturally)
Same as you!
I throw the ball to who, naturally
Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second
Who picks up the ball and throws it to What
What throws it to I Don't Know
I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, triple play
Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because
Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
What'd you say?
I said, I don't give a darn!
Oh, that's our shortstop