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Sports & Crackers
Letras
I'm not proud of everything I say, but it's probably best that I don't
Have children. She wants to have kids, I'm not ready to mess up
Children. I'm still just getting used to you know, being married
Being in a relationship period. I mean, 'cause I was single for a
Long, long time before I met my wife, so it's like, it's a change
She moved in with me a couple years ago, I felt bad for her. 'Cause
I mean I lived in my house for like five years by myself. I mean
When you're a single guy, it's like you know, I have a big TV, a soft
Chair, the fridge works. She moves in, she's like, what's in this
Room? I'm like, bats? I don't know, I haven't gone in there in a
While, I don't know. Why is there a footprint on the wall? 'Cause I
Had to show a mosquito who's fucking boss around here, that's why
There's a footprint on the wall. She's cleaning and yelling at me
For like a week. When was the last time this bathroom was cleaned?
I'm like, you'll have to track down the previous owners, all right?
Tired of all these fucking questions. 'Cause she's from like
Civilization, you know? I mean, she's from a better class of people
You know? Both her parents were teachers and fucking tax payers and
Shit, like I mean. I always feel stupid, she'll tell me her parents
Are going on vacation to Florida or something. I'm like, oh, my dad's
Burning shit in the backyard right now. That's what he's doing for
Vacation. She told me growing up in her house, if somebody burped or
Farted, they had to say, pardon me. That blew my fucking mind
Really? Like, my family would be more offended by pardon me. Did you
Just say pardon me? Oh, guess we're having dinner with the king of
Fucking England tonight, I had no idea. Somebody's better than us
Look at him. Fucking buttons on his shirt and shit. But yeah, we
You know, it's an adjustment though, you know, living with somebody
You gotta learn how to coexist. Both ways, really, I mean, you know
'Cause I mean, I like warm weather, but inside the house, I'm fat
So, I keep my house like a fucking meat locker out here. I mean
I just, you know, it's 63 no matter when. And she's always cold
She's like, why do you always have to keep it so fucking cold in
Here? I'm like, 'cause it's easier for you to put on a sweatshirt
Than it is for me to lose 60 fucking pounds, so I mean. Which one's
Gonna happen today? You gotta learn how to compromise, you gotta
Learn how to live together, you know. But it's a different experience
For me altogether, you know. It's like when you're married, you just
Have a woman representing me now. You know, like she tries to make
Me look like a decent citizen, you know. Like people get birthday
Cards from me. People know I don't give a shit about them, I mean
People thank me for shit, it's like, you know I didn't send that
Thank you for the fruit basket. Oh yeah, that was fucking me. I know
How you like nectarines. I don't give a shit. But yeah, well you
Know, you just do different things. We have different friends, we
Have couples friends now, that's weird. People you'd never hang out
With otherwise. But it's like, oh, but there's two of them, so now
They're awesome. Like we go to her friend's house, her friend has a
Boyfriend or something. It's like I'm her son. Go play with fucking
Jeff. You can't just throw me together with dudes 'cause we're dudes
You know. Yeah, go talk about your balls or whatever, I mean. There's
Gotta be chemistry, it's gotta be the right kind of dude. Like
I don't know if it's a bad quality I have, like I can't hang out with
Dudes who don't know anything about sports. Like, I just think, it's
Weird. Like, what do you do? What, do you have dolls and shit, what
Do you do? Or dudes who like weird sports, you know. I'm mainly into
Lacrosse. Shut the fuck up, dude, come on. How are you mainly into
Lacrosse? What fucking TV package is that that I don't know about?
I'm mainly into leaving, 'cause I don't like you. But sports, as men
Sports gives us something to talk about so we can get to know each
Other without really having to fucking know each other. '
Cause we don't know each other that well. You know, guys
I didn't realize it myself, I never thought about it until I
Had a wife asking me questions about my friends, and I'm like
I have no fucking answers for you. I mean, my best friend since
High school. What does Tim do for a living? I'm like, he fucking
Works or some shit, I don't know. Eight hours a day I don't
Fucking see him, I guess. Does he have a girlfriend?Is he gay?
I guess I don't. He's never tried to fuck me, but then again
A lot of people haven't, so that doesn't really determine
His sexuality, so much as I'm not his type, either way
But it's just, you know, like, sports are a good barometer to
Figure out if we're going to be able to, you know, hang out
Like we're leaving her friend's house, it's like she set me
Up on a blind date. Like, so... what'd you think of Jeff?
Well, Jeff thinks LeBron James is better than Michael Jordan
So I think Jeff should fucking die, does that make me a bad guy?
She doesn't think it's that deep, you know. Okay, what about besides
That? I'm like, I stopped fucking talking to him after that, I mean
Our relationship ended at that point, did you hear what I said?
'Cause women will talk about more substantial shit. You
Know, like, if you're friends you'll talk about more
Intimate stuff, you know, like you talk about your relationship
And your sex life, and then she'll tell me, and I don't
Want to know this shit about people I got to see again
Did you know they only have sex in the kitchen? I fucking do now
Thank you. You didn't know that? No, I just know if we go over
There again we're going to bring our own plates and forks and
Shit, I mean. 'Cause Jeff didn't tell me about the kitchen
Himself, now I got to go look Jeff in the eye and act like I
Don't know about the fucking kitchen, and it's going to get weird
You want something to drink?
No I don't, Jeff. I brought my own
Cooler of shit in the car, I'm fine
If you're ever in a couple's friendship, the women always know more
Intimate shit about the other couple, and then
They put it on us and we got to fucking carry it
With us. I got to go to dinner and not giggle
Did you know Jeff likes to put goldfish crackers in his butthole?
Why would he ever share that with me? No, that didn't come up while
We were talking about fantasy fucking football, no. I don't want to
Know that shit. I'm not enough of a grownup to have that kind of
Information at my disposal. Like I'm not going to use that. Next time
Me and Jeff are arguing about sports, I'm just going to sit on that
Fucking goldmine, really? You backed me into a corner, I will use
What I got to get. I will use whatever
I have in my arsenal to survive
Oh, really Jeff, Peyton Manning has better stats than Tom
Brady? Well I don't think Tom Brady puts fucking crackers
Up his ass, does he Jeff? Yeah, you didn't think I knew
That shit, go clean your fucking kitchen and get the fuck
Away from me, all right? I'm going to watch lacrosse