Letras
I was driving, right? I pulled up next to this dad in an SUV at a gas station
He was obviously going on vacation you could tell by the huge stress vein on his forehead
I looked into the SUV, and way in the back was one kid playing a video game
And another flipping through satellite television on vacation
I thought, "Holy crap. Can you imagine what it'll be like traveling with your family in an SUV?
You're so far back from your dad he can't even reach you to smack you at any given time
Holy mackerel
I hope kids are taunting their dads from back there like
"Hey Dad, we just spilled something!"
Don't even worry he's not coming back for us
There's going to be a whole generation of kids growing up talking about the wonderful times they had travelling with their family
I loved to bring my kids on vacation we had a great time. Did ya have a great time?
Middle hump the suck seat for 1,500 miles
Remember that? Seat, hump, seat. No seat belt. Child safety didn't exist
Hey, who wants to lie in the back shelf?
Me!" "Front seat armrest is up who wants to sit on it?
Me!" "She got to last time!" "Not fair!
And all the windows are rolled up while both parents are smoking in the front
Taking me to the dentist to get mercury put in my teeth
Then dropping me off at an asbestos elementary school to hang out for a couple hours
Now people say this generation is lazy. No we were poisoned. Back off
Kids now, in those SUVs, each have their own air conditioning
I'll just control my own air over here
Ack then, if you were in the middle hump, you got whatever air or heat came straight down the center. If your siblings wanted air, your dad made you turn your head
How long do I have to stay like this?" "Until your sister shuts up
Now all have their own radio too like its all individual
We never got our own radio. We had to fight to get our dad to leave the radio on the station we wanted
And I swear, he'd change it just to mess with us
Dad, we love this song! boop
Actually it wasn't even boop, it was more like chk chk
You young guys, Google it. Go to images and search "old radios."
And I'm staying at a hotel, right? Big sign "Kids stay free." And what happens? Parents show up with their kids and ten others. I know, because they're all running up and down the hallway. Something about kids and that ice machine they love it. Running with that little plastic bucket like it's treasure. Fisher-Price needs to make the Fisher-Price Ice Machine and Bucket set
You know what else Fisher-Price should make? Those divider thingies they use at movie theaters. You set one of those up, and three kids will come out of nowhere and start weaving through them. All you see are parents going, "I hate those things."
Cos I always get to the airport super early. Then I have to make this weird decision do I duck under the ropes like a prizefighter or follow the path like a rule-follower? I end up doing the zigzag, and I'm the only one there. I'm like, "Man, I'm a schmuck."
Well apparently when I was growing up, kids weren't free to stay in hotels. Apparently, kids were $3,500 a night. That's the only think that'll explain to me why my dad always made me be the one kid who had to hide in the car while the rest of the family went to check in. I'd start getting out and he'd go, "Whoa, whoa, whoa duck down so the front desk lady doesn't see you. "We'll send word for you later." And there I am, hiding in the car all night, waiting for one of my siblings to come tap on the window like, "Foxtrot Romeo the barn door's open. We've already swam. Shut up."
And I actually saw in a SUV a captain's chairs for kids! I saw one that was leather, reclines back, has a cup holder, and even a lumbar massager. A massage unit for the eight-year-old in your life who's just a little stressed and carrying the weight of the world in his lower back. Really? Are there that many eight-year-olds that stressed?
They don't even have backpacks anymore the lazy bastards. They all have that rolling luggage. They come home from school looking like they're checking into a hotel anytime they come home. "Hi, how are you? What time does the shuttle leave for soccer? Thank you, I'll be in my usual room. Can I get that cleaned today? Thanks."
Really? lots of eight-year-olds coming home from school like, "Ugh, my day today was unbelievable. Some days it's just not worth getting out of your pajamas, you know what I mean? First off, I ordered five books from the Troll Book Club only three came in. So I'm on the phone with customer service all during recess. Then I come home, and I've got three episodes of SpongeBob to catch up on, Legos all over the floor, Barbie needs her hair brushed, and my Big Wheel's broken. I've got no cash to fix it, and it's got to make it through the winter."
"Mom, Dad I'm gonna take a bath. I need you two to entertain yourselves for a while. Keep it down. Matter of fact, you don't even need to be inside. Let's go, everybody out. I'm locking the screen door. When it's unlocked, then you can come back in."