Typically English

Attention please! The virgin now struggling on platform two is for

Patting, petting, kissing and cuddling, but will stop short at

Anything approaching sin, desire

Lust and all stations to immorality

You wanna bet? I'll lay you ten to one!

My mother said I never should

Play with the young men in the wood

If I did, she would say

"Naughty little girl to disobey!"

Stop it!

I'm a typically English rosebud

Born of typically English stock

With a typically Anglo-Saxon family tree

You can tell, can't you?

I received my education

In a typically English way

At a typically English girls' academy

I went to Brixton Boys' School meself!

I play typically English tennis

At a typically English club

With a typically English feeling for fair play

I eat typically English crumpets

With my typically English tea

At the end of every typically English day

That's funny, we eat fish and chips!

Father is a typically English colonel

Oh, you can see him, can't you?

Home is a typically English county town

Somewhere near Aldershot!

Mummy and I play typically English patience

While the typically English rain is pouring down

We've a typically English bulldog

Who likes typically English walks

Past the typically English trees upon the heath

Take your time, Rover!

And if anyone asks me how I like

This typically English life

I am fed up to my typically English teeth

My mother said I never should

Play with the girlies in the wood

If I did, she would say

"They'll only end up in the family way"

When I go to typically English dances

Mummy gives me typically sound advice

How to cope with typically coarse advances

Though I've got to confess I find them rather nice

Stay there!

In the typically English summer

We take typically English trips

In a typically seaside place with Auntie Maude

And if anyone asks me how I like

This typically English life

I have never been so Pygmalion bored

And if anyone asks me how I like

This typically English life

I have never been... Oh! Oh!

Here is a special announcement

There was an accident in a bed-sitting

Room off the Brompton Road late last night

When a seventeen-year-old girl was involved in a head-

On collision with a twenty-five-year-old tea boy

And received injuries from which her

Typically English family may never recover

Will anyone who saw the accident or can give any information

Please keep it to themselves?

When a typically English rosebud

Is in typically English bloom

And her typically English petals open wide

When her typically English perfume

Reaches typically English bees

And what follows is really most undignified

My mother said I never should

Play with the girlies in the wood

If I did, she would say

"They'll only end up in the most undignified

Somewhat magnified, slightly stupefied

Maybe multiplied, quite unqualified, none too sanctified

Highly satisfied way!"