Cheater

Dear ex.

I think something is wrong with me.

I

Always found a way to make sense of it in my head.

If nobody knew

It wasn't real.

I found a way to make

Sense of it in my head.

It was just sex.

You were

Always gone.

I could love you so hard that none of it

Mattered.

I made sense of it.

In my head.

But it didn't make sense. I was really happy with

You. I didn't need anything. Anyone. I didn't want to

Hurt you. It meant nothing. I'm sorry. This isn't me.

This is something I do. I'm afraid of-something.

Being alone. Being happy. I'm afraid of not feeling

Wanted. Not feeling desired.

All my life I thought

I could never be that.

Desired.

Something is really wrong with me. I'm

Ashamed of it now. But then. In the moment-something

About the wrong thing.

Doing the worst thing.

That tension.

Honestly-

Fuck.

It felt so...good.

Dear Ex.

I don't want to be this person anymore.