The Word Retard

What does it mean? It means you were born a certain way

You were born a certain level but you didn't live up to that

You were behind where you should've been

You were retarded, right? But let's talk about this

That guy in the Olympics with the blades for legs

Let me ask you something

Any of you guys make the Olympics?

I see people paraplegics

Going to law school, getting these law degrees

Taking down these billion-dollar companies in civil suits

I'm sorry, kids with Down's

Have accessed a level of love that we can't even imagine

I'm sorry, that's not retarded, that's advanced

But if you have everything working perfectly

You have all your facilities about you

But you end up addicted to crystal Meth

And living under a bridge

You're fucking retarded

I have a friend of mine

I got a buddy of mine got cerebral palsy

A guy named Michael Aronin

Very funny comedian, man

But he's knurled up, man, he's like this

And his brain is fine, but he's like this

And let me tell you something 'bout

Hanging out with disabled people

They use that shit against us

When Mike walks on stage, it takes him forever

It is, this is how he gets on stage

See how creeped out you already are right now

He gets to the microphone, this is how he starts his show

"I just want everyone to know

That this happened since I got here

Don't eat the nachos

Very funny, very smart, too

So one day we did our show, we're back east

We did shows on Saturday night

Sunday morning we go to breakfast

At breakfast, he brings his buddy Tony

I got my buddy Tommy with me

Waitress comes over, asks Tony what he wants

Tells her, asks me, I tell her, asks Tommy, tells her

The waitress turns to Mike

Looks back at me, and goes

"What will he have?" And I look at Mike

'Cause I know something's gonna break off

And I look at him, I see Satan flash across his face

And my first thought was, "You don't deserve better parking

'Cause you're an evil prick"

What I thought, what I thought was gonna happen

I thought Mike was gonna get indignant, "I can handle myself"

Instead Mike goes the other way

Turns the level of disability up 3000%

And goes, "I would like to order boobies, yours will be fine, thank you"

He goes off, the waitress goes, "Can you turn him off?"

"No, maybe you can flip his switch"

For the next hour and a half

Mike destroyed this woman's psyche

Man, if she put a glass of water down

Bam! "Uh-oh! Uh-oh, that was a tsunami!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!"

She, she must've brought us like 30 forks

"I, I dropped another pokey thing, I'm sorry!

I, I need another pokey thing for my chicken fingers

How many fingers do a chicken have?"

Now, I'm his friend

I didn't laugh once, and it was hard

End of the meal, she comes over with the check

She's got the check and she's just shaking

The check's vibrating in her hand

You know, she's probably working in a tollbooth right now

She goes, "I'm so sorry"

Mike goes, "Don't be sorry, you're my favorite waitress

I will see you tomorrow!"

Yeah

So, we walk outside and I can't take it anymore, I lose It

I hit the grass, like

"Dude, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life"

Mike, dead serious, that bitch deserved it

That, my friend, is a retard

So are we clear where I stand on the word now?

Good