Anti-Dad

And don't get the wrong impression

My dad, great man, really great man

So sober, he's a saint, drunk? Satan

And it was weird because we didn't get deprived as kids

I mean, we'd go do stuff, we'd go water-skiing

Daddy goes, "Come on, kids, it's morning, let's go water-skiing"

And then we'd go water-skiing all morning

And then about noon, or beer o'clock

Yeah, that joke never stopped being funny for 20 fucking years

He would just start slamming them down

And it was weird because he's got the same problem with alcohol

I have his personality just flips

And, and like he would just change

And I was five when it started happening

I had no idea what the hell was wrong with him

I just thought he had an alter ego

You know, like he was a superhero

The most negative superhero on the planet, Anti-Dad

Wherever there is hope, I will stop it

Where self-esteem rears its shiny head

I will be there to kick it in the testicles

"Hey, Dad, I got a B on my report card"

"But it's not an A, is it, son?

Now that the smile has left your face, I'm off", shh

"Hey, Dad, I graduated high school", shh

"Graduated high school, huh?

Well, you didn't come close to valedictorian, did you, loser?

When your confidence returns, so will I"

"Hey, Dad, I got my first job"

"First job, huh? Well, you ain't manager yet, are you, fry boy?" Shh

"Hey, Dad, guess what? I finally made manager", shh

"Manager, huh? Well, a real man would own his own business

Now leave me alone, I'm off to destroy your brother", shh

"Hey, Dad, guess what?

A couple years ago, I started my own business called 'Deranged Entertainment'

We produce shows for national television

And I made more money per week last year than you made all fucking year

What do you think about that?" Ah, shh

"I think without me pushing you, boy, you never would have made it"

And that shit got canceled, didn't it? Fuck you, dad

Oh, yeah