Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television

I love words, I thank you for hearing my words

I want to tell you something about words that I, I think is important

I love, I say they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion

Words are all we have, really

We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, you know

Then we assign a word to a thought

And we're stuck with that word for that thought

So be careful with words, I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal

It is a matter of how you pick them

There are some people that are not into all the words

There are some that would have you not use certain words, yeah

There are 400,000 words in the English language

And there are seven of them you can't say on television

What a ratio that is

399,993 to 7

They must really be bad

They'd have to be outrageous

To be seperated from a group that large

All of you over here, you seven

Bad words

That's what they told us they were, remember?

"That's a bad word!"

No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions and words

You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?

"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits"

Those are the heavy seven

Those are the ones that'll infect your soul

Curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war

"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits", wow

And Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know

It's such a friendly sounding word

Sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here, man

Hey Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots"

Sounds like a snack, doesn't it?

Yes, I know, it is a snack

But I don't mean your sexist snack

I mean, New Nabisco Tits! And new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits

Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits, yeah

"Betcha can't eat just one"

That's true, I usually switch off

But I mean, that word does not belong on the list

Actually none of the words belong on the list

But you can understand why some of them are there

I'm not completely insensetive to people's feelings, you know

I can dig why some of those words got on the list

Like, Cocksucker and Motherfucker

Those are, those are heavyweight words, you know

There is a lot going on there, man

Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling

I mean, they're just busy words

There's a lot of syllables to contend with

And those Ks, those are agressive sounds, they just jump out at you

Like, "Cocksuker, motherfucker, cocksuker, motherfucker"

It's like an assualt on you, you know, so I can dig that

We mentioned Shit earlier of course, and ah

Two of the other four letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt

Which go together of course but forget that

A little accedental humor there

Piss and Cunt, the reason that Piss and Cunt are on the list is that a long time ago

Certain ladies that said, "Those are the two I am not going to say

I don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out! 'P' and 'C' are out"

Which led to such stupid sentences, "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinckle now"

And, of course, the word Fuck

The word Fuck, I don't really, well that's more accedental humor

I don't wanna get into that now

Because I think it takes to long

But I do mean that, I think the word Fuck is a very imprortant word

It is the beginning of life, and yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often

And uh, people much wiser than I am have said

"I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love

Than two people trying to kill one another"

And I, of course, can agree, it is a great sentence

I wish I knew who said it first and I agree with that

But I like to take it a step further

I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill

In all of those movie cliches we grew up with, right

"Okay, Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now

But we're gonna Fuck you slow"

So maybe next year, I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word, I hope so

They are two way words

Those are the seven you can never say on television

Under any circumstanses, you just cannot say them

Ever, ever, ever, not even clinically

You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny

I mean, it is just impossible, forget those seven, they're out

But there are some two-way words, those double-meaning words

Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade?

"...And the cock crowed three times", "Hey, the cock crowed three times", ha, ha, ha, ha

"Hey, it's in my bible", ha, ha, ha, ha

There are some two-way words

Like it is okay for Kirk Youdi to say, "Roberto Clametti has two balls on him"

But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?

He's holding them, he must've hurt them, by God"

And the other two-way word that goes with that one is Prik

It's okay if it happens to your finger

Yes, you can prik your finger but don't finger your prik, no, no