Letras
I love the internet
Because now we have rappers who used to be gangsters and thugs
Telling us not to download music because it's stealing
Oh my, I'm so, I'm choking on irony
Do you think there's one case of polite Tourette's in the whole world?
The whole world
One person that yells out random compliments for no reason at all
"Nice smile!"
I'm sorry, ma'am, I have a disease
And you'd be like, "Don't worry about it, that was kind"
"Lovely hat!"
I think two examples is enough, next joke
I hope we find a cure for every major disease
I'm tired of walking 5K, alright
My favorite holiday, hands down, daylight savings time
I love it, I love it
It's not a real holiday, I don't care
I celebrate it like it is
I have ravioli and I throw confetti on my bushes
I'm pretty sure that won't catch on either
My friend says to me, he goes
"Don't you wish we always had daylight davings time?"
And I'm like, "No friend," with the exact same voice as mine
Because then I wouldn't realize how great it truly is
I'd like to change Daylight Savings Time, are you ready for this?
One hour forward, hold on, Irvine
I put in whatever city I'm in right there so it feels more local
To five hours forward
Because people with nine-to-five jobs have gotten
Too selfish and complacent with the daylight
They get it all the time
People that work at night, one third of this country
According to a survey I made up for this joke
People that party at night, we get robbed, it's not fair
I'm not asking for the whole year, half the year
Five hours forward, what's that mean?
It means the sun's rising at noon
Hm, guess who doesn't feel like such a piece
Of shit every morning when he's waking up?
Wow, the sun's just now coming up?
I might mail a letter and get groceries today
It's time for me to turn this life around tomorrow
And, and sexually transmitted diseases would drop off completely
I'll feed you baby birds
Five hours forward
That means the sun's setting at two in the morning
That means guys, you're at a bar pumping drinks into some girl
You get to bring her outside in the daylight
Yeah
You get to be like, "Sorry, sister, I'm gonna go it alone
No, no, thank you
I will see you back in Standard Time where you belong"
And then she's all like, "Oh, you'll be back there
Always come back for my coochie in the dark"
And you will be like, "Thank you Daniel
For I almost fucked a pterodactyl"
And you don't wanna have sex with a pterodactyl
Not at your place, they have a 14-foot wingspan
They are knocking everything off your counters, they're all like
Then you have to go to Target and you're on a budget, right?
That place gets expensive
You go in there for two things, but then you see the frames
How do you pass up brushed silver?
Thank you
That joke had something for everybody
There was pterodactyls, there was sex
And there was those great knick-knacks
At Target that you just can't say no to
You ever watch The Price is Right and secretly hope once, just once
When the old lady's spinning the wheel
That she gets caught underneath and it snaps her back right in half?
And a pool of blood comes around and it lands on a dollar
Bob pees himself laughing
"Holy cow, I can't believe it
Always wanted this to happen, ah
Get up, bitch, you have a bonus spin
Take the bonus spin seriously
The greens are worth five thousand
Don't go up there trying to show your
Friends at home how strong you are
One rotation, that's your best odds
That'll get you to the showcase showdown
With a little money in your pocket
It's gonna slow your heart rate down
You're gonna bid more effectively
You wanna pass on that first showdown, right?
Carpet, couch, queer, you don't need it
The second one's got the WaveRunner"
Money doesn't buy happiness
That phrase should end with "just kidding"
You live in this country, wrong answer
Money buys happiness, buys a WaveRunner
You ever seen a sad person on a waveRunner
Have you?
Try to frown on a WaveRunner
Those things are awesome
Money buys happiness
You ever seen a homeless person skip?
They don't, they're not allowed
I once saw a homeless person start to skip
Bottle hit him right in the head
He forgot the rules, he'll remember next time
Yeah, I threw it, I don't care
Why is he happier than me?
He shouldn't be, I'm rich spiritually
You ever hear girls say that?
"I'm not religious but I'm spiritual"
I like to reply, "I'm not honest but you're interesting
Huh? Let's have cider and talk about your crazy cats"