Church of the Epic Fail

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get to this thing called life

Electric word, life, it means forever, and it's also a breakfast cereal

Tonight, we are gonna go to the church of comedy, Fresno, California Parish

We want you to bring your pain, because we got jokes in an open bar, ladies and gentlemen

Tonight, we are gonna use the power of comedy to heal the pain of the outside world

To stop that tumor growth that started in you when you spent Christmas with your relatives

Tonight, we are going to take you to the church of the epic fail, where bad decisions are the motherfucking religion

Whoo!

Yes

'Cause I am the minister of mistakes

I am the shaman of shit storms

Ladies and gentlemen, if there was a fuck-up pope, I would have a three-foot hat

Now, what is an epic fail?

A failure is when your car runs out of gas

An epic fail is when your car explodes 'cause you used an old sock for a gas cap

Can I have a hallelujah?

Yes

My name is Christopher Titus

I'm a loser and I can prove it

Now, we all feel like losers sometimes, don't we?

Don't we feel like it?

But you guys got nothing on me

Unless your address is cell block B, top bunk

You're drinking toilet bowl wine and wearing lipstick because every day in prison is Valentine's Day

I win

I said one sentence one time that cost me 30 million dollars

"Who wants to play bitches?"

And just to be clear, I had zero million dollars

When I made the 30 million-dollar fuck up

Yeah

Oh, yeah

See, I'm the worst kind of loser

I succeed at something, then I take it one step further to epic failure

My whole life, I thought I was a loser

You know in those brief moments of my life I said

"I'm not a loser, I'm a winner"

I had my dad right there to just stomp that delusion

With a steel-toed insult

And then if my self-esteem pulse continued to beat

My father would point out that I came out of the womb of a mentally ill woman