X-M@$

Ho ho ho ho

Jesus

There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree

Gussied up with candy canes and balls

Those carolers have kept me up for hours

"It's Merry Christmas," seeping through my walls

Now, I'm no wiccan commie nut or nothing

But there's one damn holiday that I can't stand

It ain't Halloween, or Thanksgiving, or even April Fools

But it'll surely make a fool out of every man

If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas

You know where to stick those jingle bells

If I ain't hammered, it ain't Hanukkah

And all you motherfuckers go to hell

If I ain't cock-eyed, it ain't Kwanzaa

Joy to the world of Jack and Cokes

If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas

'Cause I ain't ever anything but broke

Now, every year the malls are just a madhouse

Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles

Just the smell of eggnog makes me vomit

And those colored lights are fucking infantile

I think, we collectively as a people

Should rise against this corporate jolly noise

And tell the world, "Let's buy some peace and quiet for a change

Before we spend it all on fucking toys"

So, if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas

You know where to stick those jingle bells

If I ain't hammered, it ain't Hanukkah

Fa-la-la-la-la, go fuck yourself

If I ain't cock-eyed, it ain't Kwanzaa

Joy to the world of getting stoned

If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas

So leave this goddamn Scrooge the fuck alone

Merry Fucking Christmas

Hi, Simon