You Can't Rap (New Version)

You can't rap, my friend, you're white and you're from Fulham

Please put down the mic, there's no way you can fool them

Don't be stupid, you wont get that far

Turn your back on Hip Hop, bro, and go and play guitar

Of all the possibilities I ever coulda chosen

Supposing career wise I'd picked Hip Hop

Imagine all the tip top rapper's bottom lips drop

Sitting there shocked that some other bloody shit hot

Dude with a mullet, bussin shorts, wearing flip flops

Is spitting to a gathering looking like a criss cross

Of fans loving Prodigy, Kylie and Slipknot

Nearly coulda happened bro, look at me, I shit not

Little Elliot rhymes for the hell of it

If only he was ghetto mans, maybe we would sell a bit

I tried hard to dig up the credentials

Even thought about putting gold in my dentals

An Anglo Saxon with a broken accent

But rappers from Fulham get a strange reaction

I said bye to Rap, saw the issue at hand

Some guitar lessons later, formed my own band

You can't rap, my friend, you're white and you're from Fulham

Please put down the mic, there's no way you can fool them

Don't be stupid, you wont get that far

Turn your back on Hip Hop, bro, and go and play guitar

Attention seeking, how far should a man go?

Cut his ear off like Vincent Van Gogh

Dash cash to the crowd so the venue scrambles

Turn my good life into a baby shambles

Fuck myself up real properly like Pete Doherty

Cover of heat, I'm hot property

Everybody's clocking me, I own the crowd

Then I gotta link me up with a girls aloud

Next, exchange vows now my pop's is proud

There's a nine on my cloud, I'm as pleased as I ever been, bro

Mans flash like Jose Mourinho

Women crave me like bottles of pinot

Now I've got big I can fight photographers

Bang the obvious, please biographers

Spend currency 'til there ain't none left

And when I need more I'll fake my own death

You can't rap, my friend, you're white and you're from Fulham

Please put down the mic, there's no way you can fool them

Don't be stupid, you wont get that far

Turn your back on Hip Hop, bro, and go and play guitar

Right now it's just hit and miss, soon I'll taste a bit of bliss

Banging chicks at worst with looks like Jayne Middlemiss

Never doing hideous, it's too bad for business

I spin when they grin with skin like Darth Sidious

Never out-riddle this, all chattin' gibberish

Verbal diarrhea so you're never getting rid of this

I hear your retorts, there's all sorts like liquorice

I can sense your bitterness, you wishing you written this

You can't rap, my friend, you're white and you're from Fulham

Please put down the mic, there's no way you can fool them

Don't be stupid, you wont get that far

Turn your back on Hip Hop, bro, and go and play guitar