Religious Persuasion

Protestant or Catholic?

Cried a voice from the crowd

Not you again, St Peter

I was thinking aloud

Should have packed my bags

Headed off for the coast

Had my time already come

To meet the heavenly host

They switched on their halos

Adjusted their harps

Checked that the blades on the pearly gates were sharp

I asked them what they meant about religious bent

They said "That's the testament, that's the testament"

They were given holy orders

I think you'll find

I was up against persuasion

Of the religious kind

You'll find

It was Hail Marys at the drop of a track

Set the seven deadly sins to sing "Run Amok"

I pondered on the churches of England and Rome

Hadn't paid the rent for my spiritual home

Needed guidance from the leaders

Whose names I knew

Archbishop and John Player number two

I quaked in my sackcloth

Threw away my joss stick

Burned my Koran and said I was agnostic

I mean an atheist I cried

As I moved in for the kill

The wolves tumbled on

As they handed me the bill

They weren't impressed with my distinctions

I think you'll find

That I was up against persuasion

Of the religious kind

A lamb to the slaughter

A human sacrifice

I told their spiritual leader

His sceptre looked nice

I hid my skin my ear

But I was only grazed

I dived for cover

As the song of five was blazed

In the gore I gasped

Was this something I'd said?

Then a solid granite altar

Hit me on the head

A collection plate

Plunged into my groin

They marched off discussing

The battle of the boin

As I expired I was thinking

They'd been rather unkind