Master Of The House

Mix it in a mincer

And pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse

Liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages

With this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Bridal suite is occupied

Reasonable charges

Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice

Extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice

Here a little slice

There a little cut

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices

There are lots of tricks he knows

How it all increases

All those bits and pieces

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Gives 'em everything he's got

Dirty bunch of geezers

Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

I used to dream

That I would meet a prince

But God Almighty

Have you seen what's happened since?

'Master of the house?'

Isn't worth me spit!

'Comforter, philosopher'

And lifelong shit!

Cunning little brain

Regular Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover

But there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature

Landed me with such a louse

God knows how I've lasted

Living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house

(Master and a half!)

Comforter, philosopher

(Don't make me laugh!)

Servant to the poor, butler to the great

(Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!)

Everybody bless the landlord!

Everybody bless his spouse!

(Everybody raise a glass)

(Raise it up the master's arse)

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!