Never Touched a Boob (Inspired by the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin)

He's got action figures stacked to the sky

Mint-condition Hulk just chillin' nearby

Never kissed a girl but he's kissed his hand

More times than a boy band's toured Japan

He's got lotion, tissues, candles lit

Knows every plot twist in Deep Space Tit

Tried speed dating nearly choked on his wine

Said "I like eggs," now he's left behind

Never touched a boob but I've touched my soul

Forty damn years in a virginity hole

My friends say "Just do it," like I'm some Nike ad

But I'm tighter than jeans on a dad bod dad

Masturbation master, world class pro

But real-life sex? That's a hell no-go

Tried to shave his chest, looked like a crime scene

Kelly Clarkson heard it from the next ZIP code scream

Watched pornos like it was homework due

Took notes like "Is that how you do the screw?"

First date ended with a high-five shake

Second date asked if her boobs were fake (they were)

Never touched a boob but I've touched my soul

Still a sealed package, like a rare console

My junk's more pristine than a nun on meth

Even my hand says, "Bro, give it a rest..."

Ohh baby, I've been dry for decades

Like a cactus in a chastity parade

I've played more Xbox than I've played with boobs

Got more toys in boxes than sex-approved moves

Then one day, came a goddess divine

Told me "Stop talking about Frankenstein"

She laughed at my shirts, my awkward vibe

Then she rode me harder than a Slipknot tribe

Now I'm a man, still kinda weird

But now I know why sex gets cheered

I still love toys, but now I share my bed

No more crying while I spoon Big Ted

Finally touched a boob and I touched her soul

Lost my V-card and I met my goal

My boys cheered like I won the cup

And I screamed, "I CAME!" like the world blew up

"I like eggs..."