Long Live Paint!

All right

This is when I knew I was gonna go into standup comedy, um

My first real job was at a department store called Sears (yeah)

And I worked in the paint department

And I ruined a lot of homes

You know, people come in like

"Oh, I'm thinking about painting my um, bedroom

What's your..." stain it!

Yeah, young, I don't care

So, but that's when I discovered I can do voices

And I can do characters

And I would call departments, all day long and drive them nuts

Stats

Before standing live and all that, that's where the passion really came from

Me and my friend, we saw Raging Bull and easy money

And I would call my friend in toy department

On like, Cabbage Patch Day, it was the '80s

You know, he'd pick up the phone like

"Oh, this is Scott toy department

I'm very busy, can I put you on hold?"

I'm like, "Listen, this is Joe Pesci

I'm coming in here in 20 minutes

Don't put me on hold, kid

'Cause I'm coming right in here

You put me on hold

I'm gonna stick your head up where the sun don't shine

You understand me?

You understand what I'm saying?"

So I'd call

I would call all these other departments and drive them nuts

So this one day

I'm in the hardware department, next department over

And I'm reading about Muammar Gaddafi

In the '80s, he was huge, big, big

He was a rock star in the '80s

He was the first one that was like, "I do not fear America

You tell me I can no have fly, no-fly zone

You send your military here, your Air Force, I'll shoot you down

I'll shoot you down"

It was intense so

You know, we were like

Did he just say he's gonna shoot us down

So in the plane so we sent an Air Force there

And he shot missiles at a US Air Force

He missed, everyone, he missed

Uh, and then we bombed his tent

I'm not even trying to be funny

It was a tent and that's what we bombed

And we missed him

So, the point is

It was pretty intense back then with Muammar Gaddafi

Everyone knew who he was

So with that said, I'm reading the paper

A new guy from hardware comes

He goes, "Excuse me

You work here?" I said, "Yeah, I'm Jim

I work in the paint department, next department over

I was just reading about all this crazy stuff

Like you might go to war and stuff

Muammar Gaddafi

I go, listen, if you need anything let me know

Everyone knows me here"

He goes, "You know what I need

I need you not to be reading a paper in the hardware department

That's a reflection on me, you know

You're young, all you guys are young

And you don't realize that some people

You need to respect the job you work at

I know everything about the craftsman tools

I know everything about the different size of the hammers

And I'm here to help people

You understand?

That's what you're really getting paid to do, to help people

So, if you work in paint

You know what you can do for me?

Please go back to paint"

"Wow, you're serious, huh?

You know this is Sears, right?"

He goes, "Yeah

And they give you a salary and you should respect that"

You're right

So I'm, I'm hot headed

And I go to paint department

And my friends are, "What's big, big doofy kids

What's the matter? I said, "The new guy kicked me out"

He said, "He knows everything about crafts and tools

And I shouldn't be reading the paper and the hammer so blah blah blah"

He goes, "Give him a call

He doesn't know you're the call guy

He doesn't know you're a clown

Give him a call

So I'm gonna call him

I said, what"

He said what were you doing

I said I was reading a paper about Muammar Gaddafi

He goes, "Call his Muammar Gaddafi"

I said, "That's so stupid, but we'll do it anyway"

My hand to God, I'm not even gonna exaggerate

I'm not even gonna exaggerate this

He's about 50 feet from me, 50 feet

Not yards, feet

I can see him, I hear the phone ringing

I'm not even hiding completely behind the register

My head's sticking out, and this guy's in full view going

Here he comes, he's answering

So the guy picks up the phone and he goes

"Hello, this is Greg, Sear's Hardware Valley Stream, New York

How may I help you?"

Hand to God, I go, "Hello!

This is the great Muammar Gaddafi

He's listening, he's listening

I have just sent six of my Libyan missiles

To blow up the Sears hardware department

You have 20 minutes to evacuate all of the craftsmen tools

And all of the hammers and the people of the hardware

As long as I am the great Muammar Gaddafi

You remember this, my hardware friend

Long live paint!"