A Past Embrace

This isn't grace

This isn't a place to feel safe or give praise

This is a past embrace

I attempt to be cordial

In a sense, I wish I could just fucking exit

This existential dread I've been given

It's all that I have within, all I am

Sometimes, I'm feeling violently sick

It's just the taste of blood

The shade it stains

The fix I seem to crave

The views that fade

I thought that things could change

I thought we paid

I guess I still have time to bleed

Drown the fleet

I detach myself from everyone that still has hope left in me

My dreams are plundering

Wondering how to cross this off if I can't even keep my focus

I'm choking on this and probably bothering all that have to watch

This is exactly how I pictured the scene

My roads are crumbling

How could we come this far to fall back into what's been only beating

Mistreating and feeding on the flesh and bone?

I'll wash my hands of all these indecent wrongs

To pretend I'm not just awfully made of flaws

This detesting is all I have ever deserved

And I won't ascend to God or his fucking doves

I won't look to the above, just into the sun

Is this all just what I want or what I've become?

Am I even capable of receiving love?

It seems that only time will tell here in hell

Problems I have come to find aren't always as they seem

I could lie right through your eyes and still not feel a thing

I remember better endings with you in the rain

That was then but this now and I just don't feel the same

I could fuck this up enough for no one to debate

That I'd be filled with twisted thrills for all the coming days

Will you still insist to kill me with your loving gaze

Or will I just sit inside until my life's erased?

My intentions stay relentless, hungry for the pain

Your affection seems to lessen as you stray away

I contend until the end just like a fading flame

Pretty pictures always wither to the point of frayed

I consider this a win amongst destructive days

Compromised by all the signs of having to escape

Will I time this as precisely as it needs to be

Or will I decide to die in less than lovely ways?

Embalmed by everything far from calm

I'll just disown the eager persistence of my thoughts

Whether or not I'm a cancer to all

Or just a simple cunt, a dripping cut

This isn't what I always loved

This isn't fun

This is a past embrace

Now it's too late to think of changing my fucking ways

I'll go back to where I should be