Gaston

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston

Looking so down in the dumps

Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston

Even when taking your lumps

There's no man in town as admired as you

You're everyone's favorite guy

Everyone's awed and inspired by you

And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as Gaston

No one's quick as Gaston

No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston

For there's no man in town half as manly

(Perfect, a pure paragon!)

You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley

And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

Who plays (darts like Gaston?)

Who breaks (hearts like Gaston?)

Who's much more than the sum of his parts like Gaston?

As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating

(My, what a guy, that Gaston)

I needed encouragement, thank you, LeFou

Well, there's no one as easy to bolster as you

Too much? (Yep)

No one fights like Gaston

Douses lights like Gaston

In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston

When I hunt, I sneak up with my quiver

And beasts of the field say a prayer

First, I carefully aim for the liver

And I shoot from behind

(Is that fair?) I don't care

No one hits like Gaston

Matches wits like Gaston

In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston

I'm especially good at expectorating

(Ten points for Gaston!)

When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs

Every morning to help me get large

And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs

So, I'm roughly the size of a barge!

Who has brains (like Gaston?)

Entertains (like Gaston)

Who can make up these endless refrains like Gaston?

I use antlers in all of my decorating

Say it again

Who's a man among men?

Who's the super success?

Don't you know? Can't you guess?

Ask his fans and his five hangers-on

There's just one guy in town who's got all of it down

And his name's G-A-S-T

I believe there's another 'T'

It just occurred to me that I'm illiterate

And I've never actually had to spell it out loud before

Gaston!