The Tech Priest Took My Toaster

I just wanted breakfast, that's all that I said

Then I heard chanting from under my bed

My toaster was gone, there were wires on the floor

And a trail of incense smoke leading out the back door

He said

Binary purity, Machine Spirit grace

Then vanished in steam with a metal-skulled face

The Tech-Priest took my toaster

But why

Said it's got a soul, not a breakfast roaster

He plugged it in and it started to sing

Now it leads sermons in a cogwheel ring

He gave it a name and a tiny red robe

It beeped once in joy as he lit a small strobe

He upgraded its firmware with holy regret

Now it prints out litanies instead of baguettes

He said

Praise be to Omnissiah's will!

Then scanned my fridge and declared it too chill

The Tech-Priest took my toaster

But why

Now it's consecrated as a cogitator poster

It won't make toast, but it blesses my bread

Then sends servo-skulls to hover 'round my head

He wired my sink, and he blessed my chair

My microwave now hums a Mechanicus prayer

He painted red sigils on all of my stuff

And told my air fryer it's not worthy enough

He said

Every appliance hides hidden design

Then gave my dishwasher a vox-singing spine

The Tech-Priest took my toaster

But why

Now it's ranked above me on the Martian roster

It's got three arms and a holy decree

And I need its permission just to make tea

I tried to complain, but my door locked itself

My broom joined a cult and marched off the shelf

Now the toaster leads sermons at six every night

On the sacred geometry of toast done right

He said This is the price of divine machine grace

Then baptized my coffee pot right in my face

The Tech-Priest took my toaster

But why

Called it a relic and installed a bolter

It won't fit a toast now, but it scans my dreams

And downloads hymns from the warp through beams

He told me

the Machine Spirit was angry

because I used the defrost button.

I didn't know

I didn't know

And now my fridge is watching me.

Oh, yeah!

The Super-hot Tech-Priest took my toaster

But why

Oh, he called it a relic and installed a bolter

It won't fit a toast now, but it scans my dreams

And downloads hymns from the warp through beams