I F--K Sl--Ts

Thank you for all being here on a Friday

I know there's lots of places you can be on a Friday

So I appreciate you taking the time to be with me

It does truly mean a lot

I would like to, um, do a love poem right now

Since it's sort of early in the show

Um, I warn you, it is sappy and romantic, so um

I'll get it out of the way now

And then I'll go back to the, er, the dirty stuff

That everyone loves, or whatever

Um, okay, it's called 'I Fuck Sluts'

Sluts

Sluts (it's not a rollcall but thank you)

Sluts, I fuck sluts

Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts

No if ands and or buts

I fuck sluts

I fuck sluts

Nice girls are nice

But no good for nut sucking

Don't need need a serene night to green light a butt fucking

But that will be easy with sleazy old slut fucking

Boo to the nice girls

Praise be to slut fucking

I have a list

A list?

Yes, a list of all the sluts I've missed

I've never fucked or sucked these sluts

And thus my nuts are fucking pissed

So when I fuck the lucky slut, my nut removes her from the list

Another dumb cum bucket struck

From my nut sucking suck it slut, slut fucking bucket list

So, yes you hear the influences, Chaucer

The pages are blank, I know it, why am I lying to you?

Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink or almond

They can be skinny with big tits

Or be skinny with small ones

Sluts can be perky preppy or posh

With their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash

City people are confused

But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart

These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart

They can talk about science, music, or art

They can put you together

Or they could pull you apart

But don't trust these sluts

Don't, don't you dare

They'll force you

Trust them and love them and care

And then they'll be gone

And then youll be aware of that hole in your heart

That that dumb slut left there

Thank you very much

So, you see? He was lashing out with sexist language

'Cause he had his heart broken

We all learn something

Um, I know that that bit in particular is a little bit dense

A little bit hard to follow

And I wanna be able to do something that's easier to follow

And you could probably get on the first listen

So I wanna do a slower joke for you, erm

Here's a slow joke...

What did the ear of corn say

When all of it's clothes fell off

"Aw shucks!" Get it?

Like, shucks as in shucking corn

And also shucks the exclamation

Am I right?

Something for everybody, um

My father recently told me that I act too gay on stage

I said, "Really Dad? Prove it"

For those listening, I threw confetti, flamboyantly

So we're having fun

Thank you for all being here