You Never Loved Me

I think

The hardest part isn't that you left

It's realizing

You were never really here to begin with

Mmm, ooh yeah

He used to say good morning like it was a habit

Not like he meant it, just something automatic

One-word replies while I sent you paragraphs

Telling you about my day, you'd just react with a laugh

I remember cooking dinner you never came home to

Let it go cold while I stared at your photo

You said, "My bad, I got caught up again"

But you never explained where or with who or when

I learned not to ask, learned how to be quiet

Swallow my feelings just to keep peace, not start a riot

You'd call me too deep every time that I tried

To talk about us without you shutting down or getting tired

And I kept telling myself he's just going through things

That love meant patience, that it didn't need to feel seen

But deep down I knew

I was the only one fighting for something that wasn't even real

You never loved me

You just liked that I stayed

Liked how I gave you more than you gave

You never chose me

I just made it easy

To be there whenever you needed me

I was holding on to words you never meant

Building a future off of almost and pretend

And it breaks me now, finally seeing the truth

You never loved me

You just got used to me loving you

I remember crying in the bathroom at night

Turning on the shower so you wouldn't hear me fight

With the version of me that was begging to leave

While the other one stayed 'cause she still believed

You stopped touching me but I blamed my body

Bought new dresses hoping you'd finally want me

But you barely looked up from your phone

And I felt more alone than I ever did alone

You'd disappear and come back like nothing had changed

And I'd welcome you in like I wasn't in pain

I made excuses I didn't even believe

Just to protect the idea you'd never leave